Top Ten Bands that should have all Died when they were 27, Part 2

As Winston Churchill probably once said, "To die young is to die with dignity." Here's some more bands that selfishly refused to take advice from a former Prime Minister, Pulitzer Prize winner and best Briton ever according to the BBC.

5. U2
This band never really had a creative peak because they have always sucked. But just think of all the tired, middle of the road, easy listening tripe we could have avoided if Bono, the Edge and the gang had decided to all die en mass at 27!

4. Pink Floyd
I've written about some of the crappier aspects of Pink Floyd before. Needless to say, these guys desperately should have taken a leaf out of Lynyrd Skynyrd's book and all died a little bit in a 1979 plane crash. In the 70's they made their reputation on being avant garde and eccentric and refusing to compromise their band or their music for the sake of convention and the demands of the music industry. Of course, after 1979 they embraced every cliche and stereotype of a band that has run its creative course but refuses to let it go: they released a bunch of pretentious wank masquerading as innovation (the Final Cut), the main songwriter quit, the remaining members hobbled together a bunch of awful albums solely intended to further fund their millionaire rock star lifestyle (The Division Bell) and dozens of similarly awful live albums and nostalgia tours (Delicate Sound of Thunder).

3. Jethro Tull
Here's Jethro Tull in 1969. And here's Jethro Tull in 2006. Why do all these outdated nostalgia bands look like they stopped making conscious fashion decisions in 1991? I mean has anyone in the last twenty years, outside a reunion tour, ever worn a daggy black waistcoat?

2. The Beach Boys
The Beach Boys pretty much invented the concept of the "nostalgia band" when they discovered in the seventies that, regardless of whether or not they were releasing new albums, people still flocked to their concerts because they all remember listening to good vibrations a lot in 1967. And for that crime alone, they deserve to be number two on this list. The band still tours today despite the fact that only one original member still plays in the band.

1. INXS
God, where do I start with these losers. INXS were never really any good to start with and most of their appeal came from their charismatic lead singer Michael Hutchence. Fortunately, Michael Hutchence had the foresight to retire early, albeit in the most embarrassing way humanly possible: auto erotic asphyxiation. And everyone breathed a sigh of relief, assuming that the juggernaut of crap INXS represented was over. However, in a startling lapse of understanding of how their band actually worked, all the other loser members of the band decided that a version of INXS sans Micheal Hutchence would be a great idea and went about reviving their band in the most soulless, pathetic, sell-out-y way possible: via a reality TV show. God, where's Charles Manson when you need him?

Top Ten Most Pretentious Things About Pink Floyd

So, I'm guessing you know who Pink Floyd are, probably because you own a copy of Animals on vinyl because for some reason everyone does. I actually quite like Pink Floyd, mostly due to their original lead singer Syd Barrett who was, in my opinion, pretty goddamn great. Under him, Pink Floyd crafted exciting, fun psychedelic pop and created my favourite album of all time Piper at the Gates of Dawn. The later prog rock, concept album loving incarnation of the band were not as good but they were still pretty alright; I mean, even the staunchest Floyd critics have to admit that Dark Side of the Moon is a fairly impressive achievement.

That said, you really have to ignore a lot of pretentious self indulgent wank in order to apppreciate Pink Floyd properly. And I mean a lot. Here's my top ten list of things I force myself to forget everytime I hear Money on the radio and don't want to feel like a prat for enjoying it:

10. Refusing to Release Singles
This is a phase pretty much every vaguely pretentious band goes through: refusing to release singles on the grounds that it denigrates their art or something. Everyone from Pearl Jam to Radiohead have gone through this prog rock cliche and Pink Floyd is no exception, refusing to releasing any singles between 1968 and 1973 despite releasing six albums.

9. Stanly Kubrik
Alledgedly Stanly Kubrik originally wanted to used parts of the album Atom Heart Mother as the soundtrack to A Clockwork Orange but they refused. Now, if I was Pink Floyd I probably wouldn't be whoring out Wish You Were Here for the soundtrack to Van Wilder Party Liason 3 or whatever. But you're really overthinking the whole personal integrity thing if you turn down Stanley Kubrik. Besides, I know for a fact that Pink Floyd allowed Another Brick in the Wall Part II to be played in that teen horror movie about aliens starring Elijah Wood and Josh Hartnett, which makes them look like total hypocritical wankers really.

8. Basing an entire album around George Orwell's Animal Farm
The album Animals in case you were wondering.

7. Momentary Lapse of Reason
This album was made in 1993 when they stopped pretending that they were still a proper band and started catering to their original audience who had all grown up into middle aged new-age music listening yuppies. That's not why this album made the list though. Mostly it's because of its "sounds deeper than it actually is" title that just screams pretentiousness.

6. This Lyric
"Tell me true tell me why was Jesus crucified?/Was it for this my daddy died?"

5. Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict
Yes, that's the name of a song. Now, I actually don't mind when bands try to be cute or clever when naming songs and albums; I mean, I listen to lots of electronica and that sort of nonsense is practically that musical genre's bread and butter. Basically, I don't mind it as long as the band pulls it off. But at this point in their career Pink Floyd had just lost their charismatic lead singer and really weren't very good. Nice try guys but you didn't get away with it.

4. Shine on you crazy diamonds Parts I-IX
I actually kind of like Shine on You Crazy Diamonds in spite of it being a sprawling twenty minute exercise in self indulgence. What I can't forgive is their decision to split the song into nine parts. Let's face it, it's just one song. I mean, the vinyl version doesn't even have those little groove things that denote the point where each track ends. What I'm trying to say is, should you ever discuss the song with someone you would go "Hey, I really dug Shine on you crazy diamonds" not "Hey, Shine on you crazy diamonds part IV was pretty groovy but not as groovy as Shine on you crazy diamonds part VII".

3. The Final Cut
The Final Cut was, like, Pink Floyd's twentieth concept album in a row. I guessing the concept of this one was something to do with war but I'm just basing that on the picture of the soldier on the album sleeve. I've always felt that there is something inherently pretentious about concept albums. But in my opinion that doesn't matter as long as they are good. This album is not good.

2. The Wall - The Movie
Rock operas are always rubbish as are the films that they inevitably spawn. And the movie version of The Wall is no exception. It stars that Live 8 prat Sir Bob Geldoff and is mostly just him prancing around cheesy sets miming to Pink Floyd songs. It's really self indulgent and stupid and tries way too hard to be clever and unconventional. The bits where Bob Geldoff is some sort of crazy, eyebrow-less facist dictator are kinda cool though.

1. Building a wall on stage during The Wall concert tour
When Pink Floyd toured the album The Wall in 1980 they came up with a horribly pretentious little idea: an actual wall would be built between the audience and the band symbolizing the divide between the two. Now, the thing is, I'm pretty sure people go to rock concerts to be entertained, not to become spectators to some clumsily executed message about how their buying Pink Floyd records has alienated the members of the band from reality or something. And if they really felt that strongly about it, maybe they shouldn't be playing huge sellout stadium shows and just stayed at home and watched Deal or No Deal instead?

I'm sure reading this list made you hate Pink Floyd just a little bit. Sorry about that.