Captain Great: "The Academy Awards are Shithouse"

So Academy Awards season is upon us once again. You know the Academy Awards: that annual event when all sorts of celebrities get together and masturbate while watching their own movies? Okay, so that's not what happens at all but it might as well be because lets face it, Hollywood's night of nights is the most excessive example of narcissistic, self congratulatory, self pleasuring nonsense on the face of the planet.

Alright, what the Academy Awards actually is is that night of the year when celebrities parade around a red carpet in dresses worth ten times most people's annual income, then they sit around looking smug and feigning modesty for several hours, then the next day everyone bitches about how the worst movie of all time Crash won an award over Brokeback Mountain. Usually, but not always, they are hosted by that weird looking actor Billy Crystal, star of lots of movies you probably don't like and City Slickers II: The Legend of Curley's Gold.

The Oscars also exist as a way in which to promote a whole bunch of pretentious movies usually about people with mental disabilities that would otherwise have no chance of making any money due to their complete lack of Johnny Depp dressed like a pirate. They also serve as a means to reward normal people for their odd decision to devote two hours of their life watching Cate Blanchett die.

Now, unlike other religious holidays, the Academy Awards isn't just a one day a year deal. What I'm trying to say is, it's unlikely that you'll have to listen to Jingle Bell Rock in, say, March. The Academy Awards, however, you have to put up with every other day of your fecking life, mostly due to idiot film critics who love throwing the words "oscar-possibility" into every review of every movie in which any actor emotes a little bit more than usual or plays a retarded character.

Basically the Academy Awards are shithouse. But people seem to care about this sort of nonsense so here's a list of this year's nominations, minus all the boring ones:

Best Picture: "Babel," "The Departed," "Letters From Iwo Jima," "Little Miss Sunshine," "The Queen."

Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"; Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"; Peter O'Toole, "Venus"; Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"; Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland."

Actress: Penelope Cruz, "Volver"; Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"; Helen Mirren, "The Queen"; Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"; Kate Winslet, "Little Children."

Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"; Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"; Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"; Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed."

Supporting Actress: Adriana Barraza, "Babel"; Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"; Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"; Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"; Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel."

Directing: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"; Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"; Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima"; Stephen Frears, "The Queen"; Paul Greengrass, "United 93."

Foreign Language Film: "After the Wedding," Denmark; "Days of Glory (Indigenes)," Algeria; "The Lives of Others," Germany; "Pan's Labyrinth," Mexico; "Water," Canada.

Animated Feature Film: "Cars," "Happy Feet," "Monster House."