Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Top Ten Bands that should have all Died when they were 27, Part 2

As Winston Churchill probably once said, "To die young is to die with dignity." Here's some more bands that selfishly refused to take advice from a former Prime Minister, Pulitzer Prize winner and best Briton ever according to the BBC.

5. U2
This band never really had a creative peak because they have always sucked. But just think of all the tired, middle of the road, easy listening tripe we could have avoided if Bono, the Edge and the gang had decided to all die en mass at 27!

4. Pink Floyd
I've written about some of the crappier aspects of Pink Floyd
before. Needless to say, these guys desperately should have taken a leaf out of Lynyrd Skynyrd's book and all died a little bit in a 1979 plane crash. In the 70's they made their reputation on being avant garde and eccentric and refusing to compromise their band or their music for the sake of convention and the demands of the music industry. Of course, after 1979 they embraced every cliche and stereotype of a band that has run its creative course but refuses to let it go: they released a bunch of pretentious wank masquerading as innovation (the Final Cut), the main songwriter quit, the remaining members hobbled together a bunch of awful albums solely intended to further fund their millionaire rock star lifestyle (The Division Bell) and dozens of similarly awful live albums and nostalgia tours (Delicate Sound of Thunder).

3. Jethro Tull
Here's Jethro Tull in 1969. And here's Jethro Tull in 2006. Why do all these outdated nostalgia bands look like they stopped making conscious fashion decisions in 1991? I mean has anyone in the last twenty years, outside a reunion tour, ever worn a daggy black waistcoat?

2. The Beach Boys
The Beach Boys pretty much invented the concept of the "nostalgia band" when they discovered in the seventies that, regardless of whether or not they were releasing new albums, people still flocked to their concerts because they all remember listening to good vibrations a lot in 1967. And for that crime alone, they deserve to be number two on this list. The band still tours today despite the fact that only one original member still plays in the band.

God, where do I start with these losers. INXS were never really any good to start with and most of their appeal came from their charismatic lead singer Michael Hutchence. Fortunately, Michael Hutchence had the foresight to retire early, albeit in the most embarrassing way humanly possible: auto erotic asphyxiation. And everyone breathed a sigh of relief, assuming that the juggernaut of crap INXS represented was over. However, in a startling lapse of understanding of how their band actually worked, all the other loser members of the band decided that a version of INXS sans Micheal Hutchence would be a great idea and went about reviving their band in the most soulless, pathetic, sell-out-y way possible: via a reality TV show. God, where's Charles Manson when you need him?

Monday, February 05, 2007

Top Ten Bands that should have all Died when they were 27, Part 1

Music isn't half bad is it? I mean, considering that we live in a world that contains such things as AIDS, Scientology, LaToya Jackson, Celebrity Big Brother, Prince Charles, poverty, baby boomers, that movie Crash, Jade Goody, global warming, Lord Jeffrey Archer and Britney Spears's sex hole, Music rates pretty high up there in terms of things that aren't completely shit.

Unfortunately, the music industry execs have done their best to undermine the goodness of music by endlessly releasing cack by such talentless nobs as Nickelback, Creed and Keanu Reeves' band Dogstar. But it isn't just the music industry execs that are cocking up music for everyone, it's also the bands, who continually and obnoxiously refuse to die when they are at their peak in creativity and cultural relevance! Instead of choking on their own vomit at 27 like proper rock stars, they're hanging around for another forty years getting fat, releasing increasingly shite music and making everyone forget why on earth they even bothered shilling out so much money for a 30gb iPod.

It's selfish is what it is and it has pretty much ensured that, instead of a final blaze of hard rockin' glory, music will one day die with a strangled last gasp characterized by daggy black waistcoats, awkward saxophone solos and baby boomers bopping embarrassingly at Sting concerts. To help protect the music industry from this fate far, far worst than death here's a list of bands that really should have done a Jeff Buckley while we still thought of them with any degree of feeling besides complete and utter contempt.

10. The Who
The Who's drummer, the legendary Keith Moon actually had the good sense and timing to bow out early, dying of a drug overdose at the age of 32. Unfortunately, the other three decided to stick it out and The Who fans have been forced to witness a few decades of crappy reunion tours, Pete Townshend claiming he was a woman in a man's body, crappy new albums and Pete Townshend getting arrested for looking up child pornography.

9. Duran Duran
A band mostly famous for their embarrassing eighties fashion and feathered hair probably shouldn't still be desperately clinging to fame twenties years later.

But that is exactly what Duran Duran has done. You see, forgetting that people stopped using words like "new wave" and "synthesizer" 17 years ago, Duran Duran have continued to release albums into the new millennium. Here's a tip Duran Duran, if your old videos get played on VH1 "The Eighties were shit!" specials more regularly than your current videos it's probably time to hang up the guitar or go back in time to 1989 and convince your twenty-something year old self that Bon Scott was really onto something with that whole choking on your own vomit thing. Whichever is easiest.

8. Deep Purple
You know, Deep Purple: they're the creators of that bit at the start of Smoke on the Water, also known as the most overrated rock riff off all time. These guys didn't do anything terribly bad after they reached their creative peak. I'm sure their last ten albums have all been dreadful and stuff. Just the fact that they're still together thirty years after everyone stopped caring about them warrants inclusion on this list.

7. Oasis
Back in the day, these guys were actually briefly half decent. If the Gallagher brothers had died in some plane crash in 1997, Buddy Holly-style we would probably all be sitting around saying, "Think of all the great albums these guys could have made if they weren't all dead and stuff!" instead of "Look all that cack Oasis have put out over the last decade! What a bunch of untalented wankers!"

6. The Rolling Stones
The Rolling Stones really highlight what a godsend Yoko Ono was to The Beatles. If Yoko Ono hadn't forced The Beatles to split up with her own particular blend of pretentious, shrill shitness we would probably, today, be watching George Harrison prancing about on stage in age-inappropriate lycra jump suits like these prats. Well...obviously we wouldn't because George Harrison is all dead and whatnot but you know what I mean. Plus, I think we all embarrassingly remember that time Mick Jagger subversively accepted a knighthood from the Queen.

Continued tomorrow! The last five will blow your mind! And by blow your mind I mean make you feel embarrassed about your record collection!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Sorry for all the non posting...

...but, alas, I've been violently, violently ill for the last week. I've barely been able to muster up the strength to watch Richard and Judy let alone write witty, savage damnations of dyslexic American celebrities. Actual content next week when I stop coughing up bile and filling my apartment with snotty tissues! Promise!