"What's an ipod?" asks Coke Snorting Record Exec

In terms of people who make meaningful contributions to society, record industry executives aren't really up there with heart surgeons or human rights lawyers or even Bill Murray are they? Unless every rock movie ever made has lied to me, all these guys do is sit around making lots of money, snorting cocaine and occasionally tellling Lou Reed to stick some disco synthesizer beats in his next album so it will sell more. What I'm trying to say is, no human rights lawyer has ever been such an asshole that Prince had to change his name to an unpronouncable symbol in order to get away from him like the execs at Warner Bros. And as far as I know, Bill Murray never invented Pop Idol, X-Factor and Westlife like Simon Cowell.

But rather arbitrary references to Bill Murray aside, music executives aren't completely rubbish. For example, in the nineties the executives at CBS chucked a few lawsuits at George Michael stopping him from making music for several years, something for which we can all be eternally grateful. And it's not like they're all just a bunch of talentless capitalist fat cats. They're actually quite good at some things...like unleashing dreadful manufactured pop acts onto the world, pissing off genuinely talented, important artists, exploiting fresh unsigned musicians, making lots of cash off the talent of others and just genuinely cocking the entire music industry up a little bit.

Yeah, alright they are completely rubbish.

Anyway, in recent years these execs have been cocking the industry up just a little bit more than usual. Namely, in the biggest industry foul up since that time every record company in the UK rejected The Beatles, they have completely failed to do anything at all about the fact that most music these days exists and is distributed via MP3s and other digital formats.

"Huh?" says an EMI executive, pausing briefly from snorting cocaine through a thousand quid note off the chest of a former Playboy Playmate. "What the bollocking hell is an MP3?" Okay, I'm exaggerating; the execs know that this technology exists. However, oddly, instead of taking advantage of this new medium in which to distribute their company's main product these guys have dealt with the issue by ramming their fingers in their ears and humming that Milkshakes song in the hopes that it'll just disappear. Or by hiring corporate cronies like Metallica to try and get rid of it.

And the stupidity continues. This week, it was revealed that U.S. album sales have decreased 17% in the last year and all the execs ran around their giant gold plated offices breaking a sweat over the possibility that they couldn't afford to buy that 100 million dollar yacht they really wanted, completely missing the fact that digital sale have increased by 65%. Fortunately for these idiots, a little company called "Apple" is on the ball with these things and kick started the whole on-line sales thing that is currently keeping the industry alive.

I actually have the perfect solution to the crisis currently facing the music industry. It involves Canadian soft rock twats Nickelback, a really large stick, a high pressure hose and...well, I would elaborate further but I'm sure you would all think less of me if I did.