Monday, February 05, 2007

Top Ten Bands that should have all Died when they were 27, Part 1

Music isn't half bad is it? I mean, considering that we live in a world that contains such things as AIDS, Scientology, LaToya Jackson, Celebrity Big Brother, Prince Charles, poverty, baby boomers, that movie Crash, Jade Goody, global warming, Lord Jeffrey Archer and Britney Spears's sex hole, Music rates pretty high up there in terms of things that aren't completely shit.

Unfortunately, the music industry execs have done their best to undermine the goodness of music by endlessly releasing cack by such talentless nobs as Nickelback, Creed and Keanu Reeves' band Dogstar. But it isn't just the music industry execs that are cocking up music for everyone, it's also the bands, who continually and obnoxiously refuse to die when they are at their peak in creativity and cultural relevance! Instead of choking on their own vomit at 27 like proper rock stars, they're hanging around for another forty years getting fat, releasing increasingly shite music and making everyone forget why on earth they even bothered shilling out so much money for a 30gb iPod.

It's selfish is what it is and it has pretty much ensured that, instead of a final blaze of hard rockin' glory, music will one day die with a strangled last gasp characterized by daggy black waistcoats, awkward saxophone solos and baby boomers bopping embarrassingly at Sting concerts. To help protect the music industry from this fate far, far worst than death here's a list of bands that really should have done a Jeff Buckley while we still thought of them with any degree of feeling besides complete and utter contempt.

10. The Who
The Who's drummer, the legendary Keith Moon actually had the good sense and timing to bow out early, dying of a drug overdose at the age of 32. Unfortunately, the other three decided to stick it out and The Who fans have been forced to witness a few decades of crappy reunion tours, Pete Townshend claiming he was a woman in a man's body, crappy new albums and Pete Townshend getting arrested for looking up child pornography.

9. Duran Duran
A band mostly famous for their embarrassing eighties fashion and feathered hair probably shouldn't still be desperately clinging to fame twenties years later.

But that is exactly what Duran Duran has done. You see, forgetting that people stopped using words like "new wave" and "synthesizer" 17 years ago, Duran Duran have continued to release albums into the new millennium. Here's a tip Duran Duran, if your old videos get played on VH1 "The Eighties were shit!" specials more regularly than your current videos it's probably time to hang up the guitar or go back in time to 1989 and convince your twenty-something year old self that Bon Scott was really onto something with that whole choking on your own vomit thing. Whichever is easiest.

8. Deep Purple
You know, Deep Purple: they're the creators of that bit at the start of Smoke on the Water, also known as the most overrated rock riff off all time. These guys didn't do anything terribly bad after they reached their creative peak. I'm sure their last ten albums have all been dreadful and stuff. Just the fact that they're still together thirty years after everyone stopped caring about them warrants inclusion on this list.

7. Oasis
Back in the day, these guys were actually briefly half decent. If the Gallagher brothers had died in some plane crash in 1997, Buddy Holly-style we would probably all be sitting around saying, "Think of all the great albums these guys could have made if they weren't all dead and stuff!" instead of "Look all that cack Oasis have put out over the last decade! What a bunch of untalented wankers!"

6. The Rolling Stones
The Rolling Stones really highlight what a godsend Yoko Ono was to The Beatles. If Yoko Ono hadn't forced The Beatles to split up with her own particular blend of pretentious, shrill shitness we would probably, today, be watching George Harrison prancing about on stage in age-inappropriate lycra jump suits like these prats. Well...obviously we wouldn't because George Harrison is all dead and whatnot but you know what I mean. Plus, I think we all embarrassingly remember that time Mick Jagger subversively accepted a knighthood from the Queen.

Continued tomorrow! The last five will blow your mind! And by blow your mind I mean make you feel embarrassed about your record collection!

1 comment:

Hoardmeister said...

I wish the Rolling Stones had retired in the 1980s...as far as the others, I rarely listen to such unrefined noise.