Tom Cruise: Apparently the New Messiah

Tom Cruise has always had a bit of an inflated ego hasn't he? When he's not telling women how to deal with their post-partum depression, he's arrogantly discounting the entire school of psychology as 'glib'. But the size of Tom Cruise's self opinion has reached such an all time high that scientist are speculating that Global Warming is actually caused by the dangerous gravitational pull of his giant oversized head. You see, accordng to The Church of Scientology, Tom Cruise now believes that he is Jesus Christ.

Long considered just "some stupid science fiction cult", it has taken a lot of special back massages at natural disasters for Scientologists to overcome the fact that their religion sort of reads like an X-Files fan-ficition written by an 11 year old. But despite the fact that Scientologists are still struggling for credibility these days, their leader David Miscavige has decided to reveal this week that a man all women hate is their "christ-like figure". As quoted by The Sun: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right."

You just know that John Travolta is standing around somewhere angrily drawing an unflattering moustache and glasses on a photo of Tom Cruise then furiously tearing it into tiny pieces.

I have to say, I'm a little sceptical myself. Besides the fact that my mother always told me never to trust a man whose name rhymes with 'miscarriage', I'm really struggling to see what Tom Cruise has done to elevate himself to Messiah status. Yell at women for taking drugs that stop them from smothering their babies? Yell at Dustin Hoffman for two hours for being retarded? Try and sue some men who squirted him in the face with a water pistol? I'm really not seeing it.

Well...now that I think about it, Tom Cruise does have a few god-like qualities. For example, divine intervention is the only way I account for public opinion of Tom Cruise plummeting from most popular celebrity ever to most hated man in the whole world within about three weeks. And it was more than a little spooky when he somehow got "no sex before marriage" supporter Katie Holmes pregnant a whole year before they actually got married.

But it doesn't matter what I think about a man who became famous by starring in a movie about a boy losing his virginity to a prostitute being declared a christ-like figure because I'm not religious. From an objective stand-point however, this revelation has interesting cultural ramifications. For example, this weird linking of Christianity and Scientology actually means that Battlefield Earth can now be considered a prequel to Passion of the Christ.

Similarly, this whole story really highlights the inherent problems with the deification of historical figures. I mean, these days we think of Jesus as a strapping handsome young gentleman with sexy blue eyes and a lovely, flowing well conditioned mane of hair and beard. But I bet if we used a DeLorean to go back in time to oldey time Jerusalem we would probably find that Jesus was a creepy, obnoxious, short, middle-aged man with a funny nose and a weird, glassy-eyed child bride. Likewise, in a thousand years people will probably believe that Tom Cruise was some sort of tall, charismatic genius instead of just that plonker who jumped up and down on Oprah's sofa.

Unfortunately for Tom Cruise, I actually think that he is supposed to die before he can be considered a messianic figure. Now, David Miscavige didn't reveal whether or not they were going to go for the traditional nailed to a plank of wood. But if they're looking for ideas for Tom Cruise's inevitable martyrdom, I'm offering keelhauled or crushed in heavy machinery.

2006: It sucked!

Admittedly, the amount of blog posting I've done in the month of December has been pretty goddamned unimpressive.

Alas, I've been too busy drinking entire bottles of Jack Daniels, getting whiskerburn from great aunties, sobbing myself to sleep in fits of self pity, drinking entire bottles of Absinthe, waking up in puddles of other people's vomit and other assorted malarkey that people tend to get up to when they're forced to spend time with their awful family then violently overcompensate on New Years Eve. But it's a fresh new year and all that Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/New Years nonsense is over so I can go back to posting properly! Hooray!

So 2006...it really wasn't any good was it? At the close of 2005 I remember wondering if 2006 would be the year in which the rubbishly titled noughties would finally start to get interesting. Unfortunately, 2006 has proven to be the least interesting year of all time. Don't believe me? Alright then, here's a month by month review analysing all the mind-numbing lows of 2006:

January: A Bottlenose Whale gets stuck in the Thames. It later dies. Seriously, that's all that happened in January last year.

February: American Jack Abramoff is charged with being a massive immoral, capitalist asshole. During his trial, private e-mails are released to the public in which Abramoff refers to Native Americans as "monkeys", "troglodites" and "morons." "My kids were watching Pocahontas and I thought they were watching a sequel to The Jungle Book because of all the primates!" one e-mail may or may not have said.

March: The crappiest movie of all time Crash inexplicably wins the Oscar for Best Picture. Pulitzer Prize winner author Annie Proulx hilariously refers to the film as "trash". Also Muhammad Ali dies, but probably not the one you're thinking of.

April: A man is disfigured by a Bear in China and becomes the first ever recipient of a face transplant. This event inspires a 44 year old man in Leicester to hire out the DVD Face/off but he is deeply disappointed when he discovers that said film stars John Travolta.

May: Tony Blair's labour party suffers its worst electoral defeat in just about ever. A survey conducted by The Sun reveals that 9 out of 10 Britons would rather have the Prime Minister in Little Britain leading their country than Tony Blair. "You're all a bunch of fucken idiots," Tony Blair says in response. "And by fucken idiots, I mean roguishly handsome, talented sex gods," he adds several days later when someone points out that 9 out of 10 people in the country already hate him.

June: Captain Great celebrates his birthday. Probably some other stuff happened as well but nothing nearly as important.

July: Everyones' least favourite ex-Beatle Paul McCartney files for divorce sparking an endlessly entertaining public marital breakdown involving petty lock-changes, allegations of spousal abuse, allegations of madness, photo after photo after photo of Heather Mills doing a bit of in out/in out with odd hairy men and a heavily pregnant Stella McCartney threatening to crush Heather Mills' spine with her prosthetic leg. This would later prove to be the only entertaining event in 2006's entirety. Also, Israel bombs some stuff.

August: Norwegian police announce that they have finally recovered the priceless paintings The Scream and Madonna which have been missing since 2004. However said event is grossly overshadowed by a video circulated across the net in which Britney Spears legitimately convinces Kevin Federline that Back to the Future wasn't just a movie but is, in fact, real. Mel Gibson later tries to convince Kevin Federline that the Jewish holocaust wasn't real but to less success.

September: Animal activist and annoying television personality Steve Irwin is tragically stabbed in the heart by Stingray, a character from Australian soap Neighbours. English composer Sir Malcolm Arnold, Japanese actor Tetsuro Tamba and New Zealand Cricketer Walter Arnold Hadlee also die but everyone is too busy getting all upset about the death of a man who considers himself an animal activist yet also unironically goes by the moniker of "Crocodile Hunter" to care.

October: Two schools in Las Vegas, USA are locked down after a student brings an AK47 to school. Said student is later further ostracized by his peers because schoolyard massacres are, like, so totally late nineties.

November: That whiny brunette from Dawson's Creek with the wonky mouth marries Tom Cruise resulting in the fulfillment of an ancient Scientology prophesy foretelling the miraculous virgin birth of a strangely Asian looking baby and it's Caucasian mother's marriage to an obnoxious toothy midget. Tom Cruise was also going to sacrifice Katie Holmes to Lord Zenu but he decided to wait until next year when he had a movie coming out and could use the publicity.

December: Captain Great realizes that he had less sex in 2006 than he has had in any other year since he was seventeen. Everyone in the whole world sees Britney Spears' vagina.

And that's pretty much everything that happened in 2006 with maybe one or two very minor events left out. I hope you all had a top New Years and feel free to post all your wacky New Years stories in the comments below! Here's to a less shit 2007!

Apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got Married

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes conspiracy theories have been pretty popular lately with trashy women's rags, idiots on the internet and even respected journalists who probably should know better indulging in wild speculation about every wacky bit of the unconvincing couple's personal life. For example there was the amusing "Katie never squirted out a sprog; it was all just a big publicity stunt" story doing the rounds a few months ago. And then there seemed to be a lot of "Katie Holmes is being imprisoned by Tom Cruise and probably a bunch of scientologist assassins" stories. And of course the whole classic "Tom Cruise is gay and Katie Holmes is his beard" theory has refused to die. There was also a rumour going around that it was actually Tom Cruise who turned Anne Frank in to the Nazi party but that one might have just been made up by me.

But let's focus on the theory that Tom Cruise is gay shall we. Now I like to think that I know a lot about celebrities: I've read an issue or two of Hello!, I have a great uncle who was in a crowd scene in that naff My Fair Lady movie and once I saw Noel Edmonds at a newsagents. And if there's one thing I know about celebrities is, they hate talking about their private life. Sure, they'll get their spokespeople to announce engagments co-incidentally days before their new movie is about to open and they'll tip off the paparazzi so they can get a picture of them and their new boyfriend walking a dog on the cover of People magazine. But if you actually ask them about that stuff then they'll suddenly turn into crazy Marlon Brando-esque recluses angrily dismissing all polite inquiries about their personal life with such tired phrases as "I try to keep my private life just that, private" while probably being macheted to death by Martin Sheen like in the end of Apocalypse Now or something.

In contrast Tom Cruise just can't stop banging on about his love for a girl who is easily two feet taller than him. While Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are denying that they're even together, Tom Cruise is jumping on Oprah Winfrey's sofa in a surreal nightmarish declaration of love. While Angelina Jolie is keeping her pregnancy a secret for like seven months Katie Holmes is being publicly proposed to in front of the Eiffel Tower. It's all just a little bit desperate and unconvincing you know? It's really little wonder that so many saucy rumours have plagued everyone's least favourite four foot tall scientologist.

And the trend continues with Tom Cruise extravagantly and embarrasingly over doing the whole wedding thing this weekend. Now normally when celebrities have weddings they get all sneaky and try to avoid the press. For example, when Britney Spears got married she was so determined to keep it a secret that she got married in a pink tracksuit in front of fifty family members. And just recently, Tom Cruise's very own ex Nicole Kidman hired every helicopter in Sydney to ensure there weren't a whole bunch of annoying paparrazzi hovering around her wedding. However, instead of keeping his wedding secret, Tom Cruise made sure every paparazzi in the whole world knew he was getting married on the 18th of November in a fifteenth century castle in the small Italian city of Bracciano and that every A-list celebrity imaginable was invited!

And would you just look at the guest list? If the prospect of some obnoxious short middle-aged man marrying that annoying girl from Dawson's creek with the hideous wonkey smile couldn't entice a whole lot of press I'm sure the mass gathering of such celebrities as J-Lo, Jim Carey, Steven Spielberg, John Travolta, Will Smith, Russell Crowe, Kirstie Alley, Brad Pitt, Andrea Bocelli, Angelina Jolie and Victoria and David Beckham did the trick.

Further confirming everyone's suspicions that the whole overblown wedding malarky was just an elaborate publicity stunt, according to the Herald Sun: "Those at the wedding were to receive "goody bags", complete with monogrammed towels bearing the couple's initials and designer sunglasses." God, how conceited would you have to be to give people towels with your initials on them. According to a source at the wedding only the A-list celebrities were given goody bags with b-listers and non-famous family members getting nothing. Oh alright, I made that last bit up.

Yes he's wearing lifts

However, the Cruise/Holmes union wasn't all awkward unconvincing wedding vows and weird celebrity show bags. It also pissed off the entire town of Bracciano who were unanimously enraged by a) Tom Cruise's failure to invite the mayor of their town to the wedding and b) the couple's failure to wave a little bit. As embarrasingly recounted by Bracciano resident Loredana Ruggiero "I waited outside all day and virtually all night. It was cold and rainy and then in the evening it was foggy and I didn't see them once. It's a shame as we had made them so welcome. They could have got out of their cars or waved from the castle, but instead they didn't acknowledge us at all. I feel really snubbed."

Personally, I can't...no wait, give me a moment. I'm still laughing at the thought of someone standing in rain for twenty-four hours to see Tom Cruise. Okay, I'm good. Personally, I can't think of anything more awful than standing in a room for a long period of time surrounded by hundreds of smug American actors but apparently the mayor and people of Bracciano think differently with Mayor Patrizia Riccioni's lack of invitation considered a rude oversight rather than a terrifying close call. States the mayor: "The citizens are upset that the mayor of Rome was invited and the mayor of Bracciano wasn't - they have also asked me to reconsider giving the couple honorary citizenship."

I guess that's good knews for all you people desperately trying to get honorary citizenship in some small Italian city: all you have to do is play Val Kilmer's love interest in some movie about planes then insult 50% of the world's population by declaring that you'd rather women stab their babies than take drugs. Just make sure you spare a few seconds to wave at a bunch of non-famous plebs standing pathetically in the rain though.

Women hate Tom Cruise

"Women hate Tom Cruise," says Sumner Redstone, Viacom chairman and the guy who gave Tom Cruise ten minutes to clean out his desk and be escorted off the premises by security.

Yes, a few months ago Tom Cruise very publicly got his arse fired by Paramount Pictures. At the time Sumner Redstone cited Tom Cruise's obvious mental deterioration as the reason for the split to which Tom Cruise probably responded by going "wah wah wah something about L Ron Hubbard. You're being glib!"

However, it was revealed this week that the true reason for Tom Cruise being let go is the fact that all women fucking hate him! This backlash could have had something to do with his repeated assertions that women who wanted to stab their babies shouldn't take drugs stopping them from doing so. Or it might be related to his desire for faux-girlfriend Katie Holmes to squeeze a large object out of her vagina without the use of drugs and to shut her fucking mouth while she's doing it. But probably it mostly has something to do with the fact that he's a really creepy, smug weirdo.

Sumner Redstone first twigged to the excessive levels of estrogen fueled hatred for the star of that movie where some guy yells at Dustin Hoffman for two hours for being retarded when his wife expressed her distaste for Cruise. Says Redstone, "Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate him. His behaviour was entirely unacceptable to Paula, and to the rest of the world. He didn't just turn one [woman] off. He turned off all women, and a lot of men ... He was embarrassing the studio." To which Tom Cruise's spokesperson responded, "Maybe Redstone should wait until his wife's off her rag before he lets her make business decisions for him" although he may or may not have actually said that.

However, it can be argued that Sumner Redstone is eighty-three years old and one of the richest men in America and is therefore a little out of touch with what normal women actually think. To this end I did a little bit of research into the matter on my own. I asked Shelly at my work if she liked Tom Cruise and her response was: "Tom Cruise? Eww! Fuck off!" Admittedly, what I actually asked her was "would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a hundred bucks" but you get the idea.