John Stainton: the Paul Burrel of the Crocodile Hunter Empire

Whereas in the wake of a tragic death, some people need a little bit of time away from the rigours of everyday life in order to grieve, other people deal with tragedy by getting on with their lives. Subscriber to the latter grieving process is recently deceased Steve Irwin's manager John Stainton who has refused to let a little thing like his star client dying get in the way of making lots and lots of kickass money and getting lots of media attention!

It was a sad day for the world at large when early reports suggested that Steve Irwin had been seriously injured by a character on Australian soap Neighbours, then later reports confirmed that he had, in fact, been killed by an actual Stingray. His death was keenly felt with several bogans at his public funeral offering such entertainingly glib platitudes as "I wasn't this upset when my grandfather passed away" and "I didn't cry over Princess Diana. That tells you how much he touched me." In more global news, such is the overpowering influence of Steve Irwin that an 81 year old man getting stabbed a little by a stingray can make international headlines and inexplicably feature in the entertainment section of google news despite not containing any mentions of African orphan adoption, Scientology or Kabbalah.

Of course, no one was more saddened by the tragic passing than Mr. Stainton. We know this because he has been endlessly banging on about Steve Irwin ever since. First there were his claims that he and Steve Irwin were Best Friends Foreva despite Steve Irwin already officially declaring that his Dad was his BFF. Then he was back in the headlines when he embarrassingly declared that Skeletor with menopause Barbara Walters was a lovely, charming woman after the staff at Australia Zoo almost unanimously decided that she was actually "rude, mean and nasty". Then he started telling everyone who would listen that Steve Irwin's daughter Bindi would become more famous than her dead father mere days after he died.

Most recently, in a publicy released statement that is absolutely not an attempt to keep the Steve Irwin franchise in the public eye, Mr. Stainton slammed American rapper Ras Kass for using the line "You're the waste of LA, you the Crocodile Hunter, I am the stingray" in some sort of hip hop diss-off, despite roughly 59% of the world having already made a similar Stingray joke months ago. Ras Kass fought back for his right to diss dead celebrities by pointing out that "Mr. Stainton doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned with other references that one could misconstrue as homophobic or misogynistic, let alone is he concerned with the potential violence in Hip-Hop or black-on-black violence." He then further defended himself by saying "I am a Hip-Hop artist. Hip-Hop is like any other art form; nothing is sacred, nothing is off limits." Because trash-talking someone over the top of a drum machine is apparently art.

A cynical person might suggest that John Stainton is actually enjoying this brief moment in the spotlight that has come at the expense of his apparent best friend's life. However, I'm not a cynical person so I won't suggest this at all.