Peter Jackson: not making another movie about midget plebs who don't wear shoes
It was widely reported by the press this week that New Line Cinema the film studio that financed Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy is giving the director the flick and looking for someone else to helm the adaptation of The Hobbit.
Now The Hobbit is actually one of my favourite books, it has a whimsy and innocence and charm about it that's complete lacking from its bloated wordy sequel and the three overrated films it inspired. Personally an eight hour Hobbit movie featuring lots of nightmarish tilted camera angles, someone saying "the age of men will fall" every seventeen seconds, giant burning eyes that look just a little bit like a vagina and Orlando Bloom riding a shield like a skateboard actually sounds like the worst thing I can think of so this news has made me quite happy really.
However it has also upset quite a number of people as well. And by people I mean idiot gobshite nerds. And they've decided to fight against this decision in the only way spindly limbed geeks who are still supported by their parents can: they've started an online petition. What's an online petition you might be asking, probably because you're eighty years old and you stumbled onto this page because you thought Hell Fell would be a lovely website about the Christian rapture. Well, there's only two things you need to know about online petitions: a) they were invented as a way for nerds to maintain some sort of tenuous grip on life everytime some idiot American science fiction TV series gets cancelled because no one watches that shit and b) no on-line petition has ever accomplished anything in the history of anything ever. Ever.
So here's the link to the petition. I'm feeling particularly mean-spirited today; let's have a bit of a laugh at it then shall we? My comments in red.
We, the undersigned, wish to make clear our strong desire to see a quality film adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit. Having spent the last three years in Middle-earth, under the spell of magician Peter Jackson and the wizards of Weta Workshop, we find ourselves only wanting more. - Wanting more? Greedy middle class pigs. Try living in a third world country tosser.
The phenomenol [sic] success of The Lord of the Rings trilogy clearly demonstrates that there is a huge fan base worldwide, ready to support The Hobbit in like manner - particularly if it is made by Mr. Jackson and Weta, who have proven themselves so gifted in the visual creation of a world which until now only existed on the printed page, in the art of great talents like Alan Lee and John Howe, and in the imaginations of Tolkien readers. - Why on earth did they feel the need to name-drop a bunch of people who drew a couple of dragonny pictures in a petition? When he got to this bit, I'm sure the CEO of New Line went 'God, what a bunch of fucken nerds. Forget this shit.'
Please work together to eliminate this barrier to the film’s making and distribution. We, the fans, will make it worth your while. We are not ready to leave Middle-earth! - After reading that last sentence, I actually think another hobbit movie not being made is actually the best thing that can ever happen to these guys.
Of course you've got to admire a group of people so detached from reality that they think a large entertainment conglomeration will alter their business decisions worth hundreds of millions of pounds after looking at an online petition signed by a few non tax payers under such pseudonyms as theonering69 and gandalf_rawks2003. Sorry, did I just say admire? I meant feel soul destroying pity for.
6 comments:
Having not enjoyed the book, I didn't bother taking in the movies, since I knew they would be more blown-up than zeppelins. Thank you, as always, for keeping reality king. (And not reality as in television, mind you.)
I'm kind of torn on this one. I don't like The Hobbit (because it's a kids' book, and I've always hated kids' books, especially when I was a kid), so I don't care whether it's made into a film or who directs it. (But if they give it to someone like Takashi Miike, I'd be interested to see the final product!)
I do have a fondness for the LOTR books, since I liked them when I was younger, but unlike the vast hordes of fanboys who seemed to lap up Jackson's efforts unquestioningly, I was sorely disappointed by how they ended up looking like a showcase DVD produced by an IT design company specialising in computer-generated elephants.
The Tolkien book I actually really like (and which has the undeniably attractive bonus of not containing any feckin hobbits whatsoever) is The Silmarillion. As long as nobody turns this into a big bunch of CGI bullshit, then I don't care. No doubt someone will, though, eventually.
Yes - David Lynch would be my choice for a $180m spectacular. A fiasco can be a greater work of art than an exercise in advertising.
Alternatively: hand the Hobbit project over to Kevin Smith and replace all of Tolkien’s dialogue with lines such as “ssssnootchie bootchies, my precioussss” and “Riddle me this: Who has webbed feet and a magic ring and put their back out last night humpin’ yo’ mama? Me, you tubby bitch! Snooginsss!”
Apparently Stanley Kubrik was going to make the Lord of the Rings thirty years ago but he decided special effects weren't good enough yet or something. That would've been pretty groovy.
I would also pay to see a batshit crazy Terry Gilliam hobbit movie.
I embarrasingly admit that I've never seen it!
Time Bandits was really similar to the Hobbit. And by similar I mean it just had lots of dwarves in it.
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