Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got Married

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes conspiracy theories have been pretty popular lately with trashy women's rags, idiots on the internet and even respected journalists who probably should know better indulging in wild speculation about every wacky bit of the unconvincing couple's personal life. For example there was the amusing "Katie never squirted out a sprog; it was all just a big publicity stunt" story doing the rounds a few months ago. And then there seemed to be a lot of "Katie Holmes is being imprisoned by Tom Cruise and probably a bunch of scientologist assassins" stories. And of course the whole classic "Tom Cruise is gay and Katie Holmes is his beard" theory has refused to die. There was also a rumour going around that it was actually Tom Cruise who turned Anne Frank in to the Nazi party but that one might have just been made up by me.

But let's focus on the theory that Tom Cruise is gay shall we. Now I like to think that I know a lot about celebrities: I've read an issue or two of Hello!, I have a great uncle who was in a crowd scene in that naff My Fair Lady movie and once I saw Noel Edmonds at a newsagents. And if there's one thing I know about celebrities is, they hate talking about their private life. Sure, they'll get their spokespeople to announce engagments co-incidentally days before their new movie is about to open and they'll tip off the paparazzi so they can get a picture of them and their new boyfriend walking a dog on the cover of People magazine. But if you actually ask them about that stuff then they'll suddenly turn into crazy Marlon Brando-esque recluses angrily dismissing all polite inquiries about their personal life with such tired phrases as "I try to keep my private life just that, private" while probably being macheted to death by Martin Sheen like in the end of Apocalypse Now or something.

In contrast Tom Cruise just can't stop banging on about his love for a girl who is easily two feet taller than him. While Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are denying that they're even together, Tom Cruise is jumping on Oprah Winfrey's sofa in a surreal nightmarish declaration of love. While Angelina Jolie is keeping her pregnancy a secret for like seven months Katie Holmes is being publicly proposed to in front of the Eiffel Tower. It's all just a little bit desperate and unconvincing you know? It's really little wonder that so many saucy rumours have plagued everyone's least favourite four foot tall scientologist.

And the trend continues with Tom Cruise extravagantly and embarrasingly over doing the whole wedding thing this weekend. Now normally when celebrities have weddings they get all sneaky and try to avoid the press. For example, when Britney Spears got married she was so determined to keep it a secret that she got married in a pink tracksuit in front of fifty family members. And just recently, Tom Cruise's very own ex Nicole Kidman hired every helicopter in Sydney to ensure there weren't a whole bunch of annoying paparrazzi hovering around her wedding. However, instead of keeping his wedding secret, Tom Cruise made sure every paparazzi in the whole world knew he was getting married on the 18th of November in a fifteenth century castle in the small Italian city of Bracciano and that every A-list celebrity imaginable was invited!

And would you just look at the guest list? If the prospect of some obnoxious short middle-aged man marrying that annoying girl from Dawson's creek with the hideous wonkey smile couldn't entice a whole lot of press I'm sure the mass gathering of such celebrities as J-Lo, Jim Carey, Steven Spielberg, John Travolta, Will Smith, Russell Crowe, Kirstie Alley, Brad Pitt, Andrea Bocelli, Angelina Jolie and Victoria and David Beckham did the trick.

Further confirming everyone's suspicions that the whole overblown wedding malarky was just an elaborate publicity stunt, according to
the Herald Sun: "Those at the wedding were to receive "goody bags", complete with monogrammed towels bearing the couple's initials and designer sunglasses." God, how conceited would you have to be to give people towels with your initials on them. According to a source at the wedding only the A-list celebrities were given goody bags with b-listers and non-famous family members getting nothing. Oh alright, I made that last bit up.

Yes he's wearing lifts

However, the Cruise/Holmes union wasn't all awkward unconvincing wedding vows and weird celebrity show bags. It also pissed off the entire town of Bracciano who were unanimously enraged by a) Tom Cruise's failure to invite the mayor of their town to the wedding and b) the couple's failure to wave a little bit. As embarrasingly recounted by Bracciano resident Loredana Ruggiero "I waited outside all day and virtually all night. It was cold and rainy and then in the evening it was foggy and I didn't see them once. It's a shame as we had made them so welcome. They could have got out of their cars or waved from the castle, but instead they didn't acknowledge us at all. I feel really snubbed."

Personally, I can' wait, give me a moment. I'm still laughing at the thought of someone standing in rain for twenty-four hours to see Tom Cruise. Okay, I'm good. Personally, I can't think of anything more awful than standing in a room for a long period of time surrounded by hundreds of smug American actors but apparently the mayor and people of Bracciano think differently with Mayor Patrizia Riccioni's lack of invitation considered a rude oversight rather than a terrifying close call. States the mayor: "The citizens are upset that the mayor of Rome was invited and the mayor of Bracciano wasn't - they have also asked me to reconsider giving the couple honorary citizenship."

I guess that's good knews for all you people desperately trying to get honorary citizenship in some small Italian city: all you have to do is play Val Kilmer's love interest in some movie about planes then insult 50% of the world's population by declaring that you'd rather women stab their babies than take drugs. Just make sure you spare a few seconds to wave at a bunch of non-famous plebs standing pathetically in the rain though.


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