Saturday, November 18, 2006

Captain Great's awesome new novel!!

So there's no Pedro the Existential Cattle Herder this week because, to be entirely honest, I couldn't be bothered doing one.

However, I've got the next best thing: the kickass first chapter of the novel I started at work when I was supposed to be writing shit about mobile phones! If asked I would describe this piece as a sophisticated intelligent exploration of modern gender politics intertwined with a timely environmental message or something. Plus it has pirates in it!

Chapter One

“I want you to dress up like a ghostbuster.”
Kathleen pushed aside the sheet and looked into her husband’s blushing face.
“What?” she said, her voice sharp and humourless.
“Dress up like a ghostbuster.” It was an order, not a request. “Venkman if possible but I wouldn’t mind Egon."
“Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with you Arnold?”
“Well you asked.” Arnold said in a whine.
“When I asked you what we could do to spice up our sex life I didn't expect…Shit! Ghostbuster? What the fuck.”
They sat for a few moments amid a fog of awkwardness.
“Well, what do you suggest then?” Arnold asked, breaking the silence.
Kathleen eyed Arnold slyly.
“I want you to dress like a sailor. And cuss,” she snapped hungrily. “Cuss like a filthy horny pirate.” She giggled, wiping a stream of saliva from the corner of her mouth.
“Sailor? Oh honey…you know I have a severe psychological fear of things relating to the sea due to my Dad being eaten by kickass Octopus/Shark hybrid creatures probably genetically engineered by Russian scientist during the cold war. Plus I get awful sea sickness and if I eat prawns I swell up and die. Look I have a pair of pyjamas with anchors on them if it means that much to you,” he added meekly.
“Don’t bother,” Kathleen said angrily. “You know what? Get out of the bed. You’re sleeping on the couch asshole.”
“Good! How about I sleep there permanently!”
“What are you saying?’ Kathleen gasped.
“Only that I don’t find you attractive anymore! In fact, I never did!”
“What? You mean you’re gay? Well this would explain that whole fucked-up ghostbuster thing.”
“No I’m not gay you daft slag,” Arnold snapped. “If you really must know, it’s that giant mole on your face. It’s disgusting. It looks like a malteser growing out of your cheek. Except there’s no delicious malt center! When we make love its all I can do to keep from throwing up. Either the mole goes or I go.”
“I’ll never get rid of my lucky mole! NEVER! It’s the secret behind my ability to talk to animals.” Kathleen sobbed into her pillow. She froze, then raised her head, fear etched into her features.
“My lucky mole is tingling…AN ANIMAL IS IN TROUBLE!”

To be Continued…

Okay, so it didn't really have any pirates in it.

Feedback would be much appreciated! I think this could be the next Ulysses by James Joyce! Or at least the next
The Truth about Diamonds by Nicole Richie!


Johnny Strike said...

Nice Cliffhanger. (Suggests to me that this could be the next Ace Ventura.)

I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there an explanation for the mixture of British and American phrases in your writing? If I had to guess I'd say you were an American who's spent time in the UK. Obviously feel free to ignore this entirely personal and prying enquiry!!!

Hoardmeister said...

It is truely awesome, my dear Captain. I myself had all of my moles removed (both from myself and my garden), so I cannot tell if they are "lucky" or not. The ones in the garden no, I suppose.

I look forward to the next chapter. Get to writing, you lazy thing!

Captain Great said...

Johnny: Nah, I'm a Brit. I probably just watch too much bad American TV.

Hoardmeister: God I really am lazy. I haven't done a post in like four days!