Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Princess Diana to be Commemorated by Craptacular Concert

We all remember when Princess Diana died. That's because the media harped on about it like she was the Son of Christ. Seriously, such was the hysterical deification of the woman that I totally expected her to rise from the grave three days later, root Mary Magdalene and eventually become the great great great grandfather of Amelie like in that rubbish Da Vinci Code movie. Alas, Lady Di has proven to be completely mortal and has, so far, completely failed to revive from that time her chauffeur was all like, "Blimey, I've lost control of me car!" and she was all like "Ow!"

Much like JonBenet Ramsey, it's odd to think that Princess Diana was once a real life person and not just a media buzz word. And not unlike King Arthur who went from some old-skool Saxon king to some sort of wizard befriender, superhuman warrior and Great Britain's future saviour after his death, Princess Di has gone from "that woman who appears on the cover of Hello! a lot" to "the greatest single woman in the history of anything ever and probably also the most important individual in the space-time continuum". It's odd how this happens really. I'm hoping that when I die I'll be massively upgraded from "that guy who hates Bono from U2 a lot" to "that handsome genius who saved the universe from evil space pirate ninja assasins". Fingers crossed.

I guess in a way, like King Arthur, the Princess of Wales will live the minds and hearts of the British people that is. I know I'll never forget the whole Lady Di death thingy as a result of her funeral being turned into an unforgettable internationally televized Entertainment Extravaganza. You know the one, it had record TV ratings and featured Elton John performing Candle in the Wind but with a word or two changed in order to alter it from a song about a 1950's JFK bonking drug overdosing voluptuous starlet to a song about an 1990's James Hewitt bonking smooshed in a French tunnel anorexic princess. Yeah, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Considering that Candle in the Wind has sold 33 million copies, I'm betting one of you guys even owns it.

Anyway, to celebrate the tenth anniversary of, um, their mother's horrible painful death, Princes William and Harry are recreating said historic groundbreaking funeral/concert hybrid but this time, with a way better line-up, namely Duran Duran, Joss Stone, Pharrell Williams and Bryan Ferry. Okay, slightly better. Also, Princess Di's dead body probably won't be participating this time. According to the official press release: "The concert is planned for July 1, which would have been Diana's 46th birthday, at Wembley Stadium in London. Money raised from the concert will go to charities she supported."

In honour of Princess Diana's death it has been rumoured that Duran Duran will be switching the lyrics of Rio around a bit so it's less about Rio De Janeiro and more about Parisian tunnels covered in the brain matter of dead royals or something. Okay, I made that one up.


Hoardmeister said...

My dear Captain, I simply must raise an objection to your description of our wonderful Marilyn Monroe. Drug addict, yes, alcoholic, yes, voluptuous, yes, but she did not bonk JFK, or even RFK. She had far better taste...witness Joe DiMaggio. All right, perhaps the face isn't spectacular, but imagine what was under those clothes! His, I mean. You already know what was under Marilyn's clothes.

My governess rousted me from bed to watch Princess Di's wedding in the middle of the night here in New York. Sleepily, I thought, "The lady has such big SLEEVES," and I don't remember much else.

Oh, and thank you for your concern about Mama. As it happened, the walking stick was a bit large for me at the time, so when I swung it at her ala Alex, it merely knocked over an end table and a priceless ornamental vase. I managed to avoid a spanking by bursting into tears of false contrition and yodeling, "Ma-MA! Your MING! Oh, no!" She was so pleased at my perception (so unlike my troglodyte siblings) that instead of punishment I was given cocoa.

If only that approach worked in more areas of life, dahling.

grim said...

Johnny Strike and I successfully managed to avoid ever hearing the updated Candle in the Wind (remix?) and cannily scarpered to Amsterdam on the day of the funeral so are in the privileged position of never having seen the spactacle.

Will U2 be playing this concert? I feel another holiday coming...

Captain Great said...

Hoards, you've inspired me to shout out "Your Ming! Oh no!" next time I fuck up at work!

God, I hope U2 don't play this concert. As apathetic as I am about Princess Di, the moment Bono stepped on stage, the concert would stop being about her and just become another platform for Bono's self righteous moral masturbation.