Monday, December 11, 2006

Madonna's Wacky Marital Breakdown

Madonna used to be a bit of a trend setter didn't she? I mean, twenty years ago the woman couldn't take a dump without starting some ridiculous trend; fake moles, blonde hair with black roots, crazy pointy metal name it she started it. And she even inspired a whole load of celebrities with her silly but surprisingly influential antics. Faux prostitute Christina Aguilera wouldn't exist today were it not for Madonna's attention seeking book Sex, both operating on the same principle as saying the word penis a lot in front of your Grandma. And who can forget Britney and Ashton Kutchers' embarrasing attempts to jump on the wacky Kabbalah bandwagon?

Sadly, it appears that Madonna's trendsetting days are over and she has become just another cog in the Hollywood Fame Machine, (not to be confused with the Hollywood Baby Machine, Britney Spears). For example, her current schtick singing electronic dance music and prancing about in an age-innapropriate leotard while surrounded by gay men was completely knicked from Kylie Minogue. And her recent adoption of an African baby was clearly a shameless attempt at emulating Angelina Jolie. And now, indicative of how far she has fallen since she became the most famous pop star in the world by singing about unbroken hymens, Madonna is starting to follow trends popularized by Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson, namely, divorce.

Yes, it appears that Madonna's relationship with mediocre filmmaker Guy Ritchie is on the rocks. "Huh? What the bleedin' hell is a Guy Ritchie," you might be asking. Well, if you don't know him as Mr. Madonna then you probably don't know him at all because that's mostly what he's famous for. But for those of you who really want to know more about a man who agreed to marry a woman who once dated Vanilla Ice here's a quick recap: Essentially, Guy Ritchie is that guy who popularized the rubbish "British Gangsters pull wacky heists while making witty pop cultural references in fake cockney accents" film genre that rears its ugly head every now and then. He is also responsible for the Maddona vehicle Swept Away but I'm assuming you've never seen that one because it has actually been known to make peoples' eyes bleed and/or explode, which means you couldn't be reading this right now.

Anyway, apparently maintaining a healthy marital relationship wasn't quite trendy enough for old Madge as it appears her relationship with Guy Ritchie is going the way of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills and Britney Spears and Kevin Federline with the couple reportedly fighting in some restaurant.

As reported by some anonymous nosey bitch, "The atmosphere between them was more than frosty. Guy was the one who was raising his voice most - you couldn't help but hear what he was saying. They were sitting in a corner booth and he was telling her that he'd had enough of her being controlling all the time and that something had to give. Madonna tried to give back to him, but he would just talk over her."

Personally I liked it better when Maddona was setting the trends. I know blonde hair and black roots is unattractive. But not nearly as unattractive as the shaven fifty year old vadge that Madonna will flap about in her inevitable Britney Spears inspired post-divorce paparrazi flash.


Hoardmeister said...

You Brits get all the good news before we do! Recently Madge's concert special was shown on CBS, which on American television is known as the "old codger's network." And I do not exaggerate, my dear Captain.

By far the worst part of the ordeal (or what part of it we witnessed before grabbing the remote) was Madge pretending to sing "Like A Virgin" on a huge carousel horse with a black leather saddle, wearing fetish gear (both Madge AND the horse) while doing leg lifts. In the background, on a huge screen, were projected images of horses falling down, either during rodeos or while hunting.

I asked the man with me, in sincere bafflement, "Is this sexy?" He paused for a long moment, thought, and said, "No. And it's really strange. Can we change the channel? There's a college football game on." Need I say my companion is straight?

Perhaps I might have gotten a different reaction from a gay man.

Captain Great said...

Yeah my brother is really big on Madonna at the moment for God knows what reason and supposedly he's straight.

I just might break our eight or nine months of non contact and ask him if he finds a fifty year old woman in fetish gear doing aerobics attractive.

Johnny Strike said...

"... her current schtick singing electronic dance music and prancing about in an age-innapropriate leotard while surrounded by gay men was completely knicked from Kylie Minogue."

A tad unfair, considering that Madonna released "Vogue" (which is perhaps not what you'd describe as "electronic dance music", but surely ranks high on the "surrounded by gay men" scale) around 1990, while Minogue was still trying to flog crap doo wop covers such as "Tears on my Pillow" to an audience built primarily from daytime soap opera fans.

Captain Great said...


My brother says that he does indeed find Madonna attractive so there we go.

Yeah, Kylie probably did rip-off Madonna a bit but I like her better than Madge so I'm gonna pretend she didn't.