Britney's womb: "Give me a freaking break!"

Britney Spears' life has become a little bit like a Home Alone movie: just when you think slipping on some ice a bit and being shot in the head with a BB gun is the worst thing that can happen to you, there's always a red hot iron just ahead ready to smash you in the face.

In the past two years or so the I'm a Slave 4 U singer has had to suffer through marrying the worst rapper of all time, endlessly squirting out baby after baby after baby, getting a bit fat and having grotty pictures of her chuff box splashed all over the internet. But with the start of a brand new year I'm sure Britney decided to put all that behind her, start afresh and try to return to those glory days when teenagers used to think about her when they masturbated. Alas, this week she was metaphorically pounded in the face by a burning steam-press with recent reports revealing that she could be up the duff yet again. Cue late night talk show hosts and easy obvious jokes built around that "oops I did it again" song.

The rumours first started last week when The Sun printed pictures of Britney passed out in a car while her new boyfriend cleaned up vomit. Oddly enough, rather than proof that Britney is a pathetic drunken lush, it was decided by the tabloid journalism community that the photos clearly portrayed Britney in the first early stages of morning sickness.

But it was the US magazine InTouch that really got the "bleeding hell, what's in Britney's womb now?" ball rolling. According to one of those pesky blabbermouth anonymous sources that celebrities should probably stop talking to: "I've seen her during the last two pregnancies and she has the same look now. She's heavier, but that's not it. It's the sparkle in her eye. She always gets that sparkle when she's pregnant, like she's relaxed and happy."

Based on this flimsy evidence, it looks like Britney could be expecting another redneck baby for her to drop on its head and practice unsafe driving practices with. But the question everyone's wondering is, who is the father? The gossip rags have offered up such suggestions as ex-husband K-Fed and new beau Isaac Cohen but considering her recent penchant for wearing short skirts and forgoing underwear, who knows what she's sat in over the last couple of alcohol soaked weeks; the father could theoretically be anyone.

But future paternity lawsuits aside, Britney Spears probably should stop squirting out placenta and new born babies before she starts to do irreparable damage to her already battered public image. For example, in Japan her name has already been officially changed to "smiling happy making baby sumo factory".