Britney's womb: "Give me a freaking break!"

Britney Spears' life has become a little bit like a Home Alone movie: just when you think slipping on some ice a bit and being shot in the head with a BB gun is the worst thing that can happen to you, there's always a red hot iron just ahead ready to smash you in the face.

In the past two years or so the I'm a Slave 4 U singer has had to suffer through marrying the worst rapper of all time, endlessly squirting out baby after baby after baby, getting a bit fat and having grotty pictures of her chuff box splashed all over the internet. But with the start of a brand new year I'm sure Britney decided to put all that behind her, start afresh and try to return to those glory days when teenagers used to think about her when they masturbated. Alas, this week she was metaphorically pounded in the face by a burning steam-press with recent reports revealing that she could be up the duff yet again. Cue late night talk show hosts and easy obvious jokes built around that "oops I did it again" song.

The rumours first started last week when The Sun printed pictures of Britney passed out in a car while her new boyfriend cleaned up vomit. Oddly enough, rather than proof that Britney is a pathetic drunken lush, it was decided by the tabloid journalism community that the photos clearly portrayed Britney in the first early stages of morning sickness.

But it was the US magazine InTouch that really got the "bleeding hell, what's in Britney's womb now?" ball rolling. According to one of those pesky blabbermouth anonymous sources that celebrities should probably stop talking to: "I've seen her during the last two pregnancies and she has the same look now. She's heavier, but that's not it. It's the sparkle in her eye. She always gets that sparkle when she's pregnant, like she's relaxed and happy."

Based on this flimsy evidence, it looks like Britney could be expecting another redneck baby for her to drop on its head and practice unsafe driving practices with. But the question everyone's wondering is, who is the father? The gossip rags have offered up such suggestions as ex-husband K-Fed and new beau Isaac Cohen but considering her recent penchant for wearing short skirts and forgoing underwear, who knows what she's sat in over the last couple of alcohol soaked weeks; the father could theoretically be anyone.

But future paternity lawsuits aside, Britney Spears probably should stop squirting out placenta and new born babies before she starts to do irreparable damage to her already battered public image. For example, in Japan her name has already been officially changed to "smiling happy making baby sumo factory".

2006: It sucked!

Admittedly, the amount of blog posting I've done in the month of December has been pretty goddamned unimpressive.

Alas, I've been too busy drinking entire bottles of Jack Daniels, getting whiskerburn from great aunties, sobbing myself to sleep in fits of self pity, drinking entire bottles of Absinthe, waking up in puddles of other people's vomit and other assorted malarkey that people tend to get up to when they're forced to spend time with their awful family then violently overcompensate on New Years Eve. But it's a fresh new year and all that Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/New Years nonsense is over so I can go back to posting properly! Hooray!

So 2006...it really wasn't any good was it? At the close of 2005 I remember wondering if 2006 would be the year in which the rubbishly titled noughties would finally start to get interesting. Unfortunately, 2006 has proven to be the least interesting year of all time. Don't believe me? Alright then, here's a month by month review analysing all the mind-numbing lows of 2006:

January: A Bottlenose Whale gets stuck in the Thames. It later dies. Seriously, that's all that happened in January last year.

February: American Jack Abramoff is charged with being a massive immoral, capitalist asshole. During his trial, private e-mails are released to the public in which Abramoff refers to Native Americans as "monkeys", "troglodites" and "morons." "My kids were watching Pocahontas and I thought they were watching a sequel to The Jungle Book because of all the primates!" one e-mail may or may not have said.

March: The crappiest movie of all time Crash inexplicably wins the Oscar for Best Picture. Pulitzer Prize winner author Annie Proulx hilariously refers to the film as "trash". Also Muhammad Ali dies, but probably not the one you're thinking of.

April: A man is disfigured by a Bear in China and becomes the first ever recipient of a face transplant. This event inspires a 44 year old man in Leicester to hire out the DVD Face/off but he is deeply disappointed when he discovers that said film stars John Travolta.

May: Tony Blair's labour party suffers its worst electoral defeat in just about ever. A survey conducted by The Sun reveals that 9 out of 10 Britons would rather have the Prime Minister in Little Britain leading their country than Tony Blair. "You're all a bunch of fucken idiots," Tony Blair says in response. "And by fucken idiots, I mean roguishly handsome, talented sex gods," he adds several days later when someone points out that 9 out of 10 people in the country already hate him.

June: Captain Great celebrates his birthday. Probably some other stuff happened as well but nothing nearly as important.

July: Everyones' least favourite ex-Beatle Paul McCartney files for divorce sparking an endlessly entertaining public marital breakdown involving petty lock-changes, allegations of spousal abuse, allegations of madness, photo after photo after photo of Heather Mills doing a bit of in out/in out with odd hairy men and a heavily pregnant Stella McCartney threatening to crush Heather Mills' spine with her prosthetic leg. This would later prove to be the only entertaining event in 2006's entirety. Also, Israel bombs some stuff.

August: Norwegian police announce that they have finally recovered the priceless paintings The Scream and Madonna which have been missing since 2004. However said event is grossly overshadowed by a video circulated across the net in which Britney Spears legitimately convinces Kevin Federline that Back to the Future wasn't just a movie but is, in fact, real. Mel Gibson later tries to convince Kevin Federline that the Jewish holocaust wasn't real but to less success.

September: Animal activist and annoying television personality Steve Irwin is tragically stabbed in the heart by Stingray, a character from Australian soap Neighbours. English composer Sir Malcolm Arnold, Japanese actor Tetsuro Tamba and New Zealand Cricketer Walter Arnold Hadlee also die but everyone is too busy getting all upset about the death of a man who considers himself an animal activist yet also unironically goes by the moniker of "Crocodile Hunter" to care.

October: Two schools in Las Vegas, USA are locked down after a student brings an AK47 to school. Said student is later further ostracized by his peers because schoolyard massacres are, like, so totally late nineties.

November: That whiny brunette from Dawson's Creek with the wonky mouth marries Tom Cruise resulting in the fulfillment of an ancient Scientology prophesy foretelling the miraculous virgin birth of a strangely Asian looking baby and it's Caucasian mother's marriage to an obnoxious toothy midget. Tom Cruise was also going to sacrifice Katie Holmes to Lord Zenu but he decided to wait until next year when he had a movie coming out and could use the publicity.

December: Captain Great realizes that he had less sex in 2006 than he has had in any other year since he was seventeen. Everyone in the whole world sees Britney Spears' vagina.

And that's pretty much everything that happened in 2006 with maybe one or two very minor events left out. I hope you all had a top New Years and feel free to post all your wacky New Years stories in the comments below! Here's to a less shit 2007!

Madonna's Wacky Marital Breakdown

Madonna used to be a bit of a trend setter didn't she? I mean, twenty years ago the woman couldn't take a dump without starting some ridiculous trend; fake moles, blonde hair with black roots, crazy pointy metal bikinis...you name it she started it. And she even inspired a whole load of celebrities with her silly but surprisingly influential antics. Faux prostitute Christina Aguilera wouldn't exist today were it not for Madonna's attention seeking book Sex, both operating on the same principle as saying the word penis a lot in front of your Grandma. And who can forget Britney and Ashton Kutchers' embarrasing attempts to jump on the wacky Kabbalah bandwagon?

Sadly, it appears that Madonna's trendsetting days are over and she has become just another cog in the Hollywood Fame Machine, (not to be confused with the Hollywood Baby Machine, Britney Spears). For example, her current schtick singing electronic dance music and prancing about in an age-innapropriate leotard while surrounded by gay men was completely knicked from Kylie Minogue. And her recent adoption of an African baby was clearly a shameless attempt at emulating Angelina Jolie. And now, indicative of how far she has fallen since she became the most famous pop star in the world by singing about unbroken hymens, Madonna is starting to follow trends popularized by Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson, namely, divorce.

Yes, it appears that Madonna's relationship with mediocre filmmaker Guy Ritchie is on the rocks. "Huh? What the bleedin' hell is a Guy Ritchie," you might be asking. Well, if you don't know him as Mr. Madonna then you probably don't know him at all because that's mostly what he's famous for. But for those of you who really want to know more about a man who agreed to marry a woman who once dated Vanilla Ice here's a quick recap: Essentially, Guy Ritchie is that guy who popularized the rubbish "British Gangsters pull wacky heists while making witty pop cultural references in fake cockney accents" film genre that rears its ugly head every now and then. He is also responsible for the Maddona vehicle Swept Away but I'm assuming you've never seen that one because it has actually been known to make peoples' eyes bleed and/or explode, which means you couldn't be reading this right now.

Anyway, apparently maintaining a healthy marital relationship wasn't quite trendy enough for old Madge as it appears her relationship with Guy Ritchie is going the way of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills and Britney Spears and Kevin Federline with the couple reportedly fighting in some restaurant.

As reported by some anonymous nosey bitch, "The atmosphere between them was more than frosty. Guy was the one who was raising his voice most - you couldn't help but hear what he was saying. They were sitting in a corner booth and he was telling her that he'd had enough of her being controlling all the time and that something had to give. Madonna tried to give back to him, but he would just talk over her."

Personally I liked it better when Maddona was setting the trends. I know blonde hair and black roots is unattractive. But not nearly as unattractive as the shaven fifty year old vadge that Madonna will flap about in her inevitable Britney Spears inspired post-divorce paparrazi flash.

Britney Spears' Vagina: Officially More Famous Than Kevin Federline

What a dull week this has been. Sure, Kid Rock shouting slut and whore at Pamela Anderson because of Borat was mildly amusing. And who didn't laugh at Yoko Ono's slightly senile idiot ramblings about forgiveness and other nonsense? But on the whole, this week has been just a little bit ordinary you know? I realize the week isn't actually over yet but I'm not expecting anything to...Oh, what's that? Britney Spears has been repeatedly photographed publicly flashing her gibblets about while night clubbing with Paris Hilton? I spoke too soon!

Despite not releasing an album in almost four years and having apparently retired from touring in favour of a career as a baby making machine, seemingly churning out a new sprog on a weekly basis, Britney Spears is in the news quite a lot isn't she? Whether she's being photographed entering public toilets without shoes on or she's dropping one of her babies on its head or just generally being bit a bit more chubby and less attractive than she used to be, newspapers and magazines just never seem to run out of compelling Britney scandals.

Most recently Britney's made headlines by finally divorcing her back up dancer turned god-awful cornrowed white boy rapper husband Kevin Federline after three years of marriage and about a million babies. But if you think the singer who once begged Hit me Baby One More Time is going to deal with her marital breakup by gadding about her apartment for several months in grubby pyjama pants, eating Neapolitan Ice Cream straight from the tub, endlessly re-reading Pride and Prejudice and sobbing hysterically at the end of Maid in Manhattan then you're mistaken. You see, Britney has instead elected to get over K-Fed by hitting some night spots with occasional porn star Paris Hilton and by flappin' her flim flam at anyone with eyes! Or at least a camera.

Yes, Britney's decision to parade her panty-less wee-hole about like a kid showing off his A+ report card to his grandma or something was unfortunately captured by some papparazi. And, sadly, rather than the expected chorus of cheers from sticky fingered adolescents the swift spread of the Britney minge photos across the internet has been met with general widespread disaproval and a surprising level of revulsion considering only a few years ago she was topping "Sexiest Woman Alive" lists.

Even the papparazi who took the photos was appalled by Britney's actions. "I didn't see her like, even try to cover, you know. Some girls would try to hold their skirts down or something," said disgusted "celebrity photographer" Edwin Merino briefly forgetting that he's the one running around taking photos of girls snatches.

What's that? You want pictures? Gross! Get the hell outta here ya perv!

Nah, just kidding. Here's a link.