TV's Screech at Center of Dirty Sanchez Sex Tape Conspiracy

Everyone loves a good celebrity sex tape don't they? Well actually, no they don't. That's because it's never Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johanson or even Gael Garcia Berna doing the old "ooh yeah baby, that feels good" schtick in front of a camcorder. Instead it's all those celebrities that you try to pretend don't exist like Kid Rock or Paris Hilton or that plonker from Creed that get filmed doing a bit of in out, in out.

Never was this better exemplified than that time it was horribly, horribly revealed that a sex tape featuring Screech from Saved by the Bell had been released. In addition there was a rumour going around that said sex tape featured a bit of "dirty sanchez", a rumour that would later be substantiated. If this is the first time you have ever heard this piece of information, I would advise that you lie down for a little bit; it doesn't stop the squealing but it does keep you away from any sharp objects with which you can take your own life.

Interest in the story was revived when Screech's former publicist David Hans Schmitt revealed this week that the sex tape was actually released by Screech himself, an announcement that was met with a bit of mild disinterest, mostly due to the fact that everyone had sort of already figured that one out. I mean, a sex tape starring an out of work, child star and failed comedian suddenly appearing just a few months after they declared bankruptcy is just a little bit convenient you know? Screech's appearance on The Howard Stern Show in which he boasted of his ten inch penis wasn't really the best defense either.

Now you might remember David Schmitt from last September when the story broke and he was all like "Who knows? Maybe it will help this loser get some sort of job." Now it's several months later and Schmitt has changed his tune somewhat. "[Screech] was in on the deal from the start," Schmitt revealed in an interview with Daily News. "He made this tape in a St. Louis hotel room with two girls last summer with the intention that I would sell it." But the vaguely shocking revelations don't end there. "I have reason to believe that is not [Screech's] manhood in the movie," Schmitt continued. "You never see his face and his manhood in the same shot." Classy.

This story has inspired an alarming number of different emotions in me. First of all I felt nauseated. Then I was vaguely amused. Then I felt a little bit sad for ol' Screech. I mean, he really has bollocked up his life hasn't he? Then I got angry. Saved by the Bell ended what, ten years ago? Why are we still being exposed to someone who wasn't all that talented to begin with? And the same goes for all those other vaguely famous losers still desperately clinging to their pathetic dwindling vestiges of fame. They're just embarrasing themselves and making me feel bad for feeling sorry for them all the time. And I shouldn't have to put up with that you know?

So, just a quick memo to anyone who has ever appeared on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here! or The Surreal Life or been a Brady Bunch cast member: Fuck off. Seriously, just go away. We don't care what you have to the offer the world of entertainment, we would like you to just the get the hell off our premises before we have to call security or Charlton Heston or something.