Monday, January 08, 2007

A Bunch of Celebrities Broke Up and Stuff

If 2006 will be remembered for anything, it will be for the huge number of celebrities who decided to end their relationships in an embarrasing, public fashion. Between Paul McCartney, Heather Mills, Kid Rock, Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline we were never really in want of a highly entertaining story about an ex-beatle beating his wife with a prosthetic leg or a white trash rock star calling a former Baywatch cast member a slut and a whore for appearing in Borat or a failed rapper using his wife's minge exposing antics to gain custody of their 5000 children. On top of that, 2005's most entertaining divorce spilled into 2006 a little bit with Denise Richards accusing Charlie Sheen of murdering prostitutes, having sex with little boys and girls, forcing her to abort babies and calling her a nigger.

But before you start thinking that 2007 could never compete with 2006 in terms of wacky celebrity break up antics, it's like eight days into the new year and already two celebrity couples have decided to call it quits! Yet oddly enough, neither of them are Antonio Banderas who still hasn't left that
bloated bar hag that he married a couple of years ago.

Okay, first up we have Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake who apparently broke up last week after a startling three and a half years together. Theirs was a whirlwind romance that survived any numer of ill-conceived film and music projects including Charlies Angels: Full Throttle, that annoying Sexyback song and Janet Jackson's exposed nipple. But sadly it was not to be with Justin confirming that the two had broken up on the third of January, though he refused to provide details of the split.

Fortunately I put my investigative journalism skills to good use and actually came up with a bit of a scoop. Thanks to a close personal friend of the In Her Shoes star, Cameron Diaz can be quoted as saying: "I just woke up one day and was all like, I'm a really famous attractive movie star who can have sex with whoever I want. Why the hell am I shagging a prepubescent lady-boy who once dated Britney 'check out my shaved vagina y'all' Spears?"

To which Justin Timberlake responded "Bitch, please. We both know that I dumped you after I saw all those hot pictures of Britney's chuff box." Okay, I'm just making stuff up now.

In other celebrities unable to maintain a healthy adult relationship news, Dita Von Teese (real name Heather Sweet) has filed divorce from Marilyn Manson (real name Brian Warner). Admittedly, I didn't even know who Dita Von Teese was so I did a bit of research and found out that she's some sort of stripper, sorry, burlesque dancer. Apparently she married Marilyn Manson in 2005, which seems like a weird thing to do really considering that by then Manson had already been culturally irrelevant for like six years. That would be like marrying the fat John Travolta of today instead of the skinny young Grease one. Or like marrying Ralph Macchio at any other point in history besides 1984.

Oddly enough, it has been reported that Manson found out about his impending divorce at the same time everyone else did, mostly because Dita Von Teese hasn't been able to contact him in over a month. Probably because Manson was too busy writing more music about Satan and dead people and other things perfectly catered to a target audience of angry fat teenagers. Or something. I don't really know because I was too busy listening to proper music in the 1990's.

Admittedly, these break-ups haven't really gotten all that ugly yet. As far as I know, Cameron Diaz has yet to accuse Justin Timberlake of mudering prostitutes for example. And Dita Von Teese has yet to expose her vagina...oh wait, that's actually her job. But as Stevie Wonder once sang: "Ma Cherie Amore, pretty little girl that I adore". That doesn't have anything to do with anything but it just that moment occurred to me that Stevie Wonder referring to a girl as pretty is odd considering that he has never actually seen a woman before.

1 comment:

Hoardmeister said...

I am truly heartbroken about Dita Van Teese and Marilyn Manson. I thought it was a marriage of true altruism...after all, he is handicapped, isn't he? I mean, just look at him.