Top Ten Bands that should have all Died when they were 27, Part 1

Music isn't half bad is it? I mean, considering that we live in a world that contains such things as AIDS, Scientology, LaToya Jackson, Celebrity Big Brother, Prince Charles, poverty, baby boomers, that movie Crash, Jade Goody, global warming, Lord Jeffrey Archer and Britney Spears's sex hole, Music rates pretty high up there in terms of things that aren't completely shit.

Unfortunately, the music industry execs have done their best to undermine the goodness of music by endlessly releasing cack by such talentless nobs as Nickelback, Creed and Keanu Reeves' band Dogstar. But it isn't just the music industry execs that are cocking up music for everyone, it's also the bands, who continually and obnoxiously refuse to die when they are at their peak in creativity and cultural relevance! Instead of choking on their own vomit at 27 like proper rock stars, they're hanging around for another forty years getting fat, releasing increasingly shite music and making everyone forget why on earth they even bothered shilling out so much money for a 30gb iPod.

It's selfish is what it is and it has pretty much ensured that, instead of a final blaze of hard rockin' glory, music will one day die with a strangled last gasp characterized by daggy black waistcoats, awkward saxophone solos and baby boomers bopping embarrassingly at Sting concerts. To help protect the music industry from this fate far, far worst than death here's a list of bands that really should have done a Jeff Buckley while we still thought of them with any degree of feeling besides complete and utter contempt.

10. The Who
The Who's drummer, the legendary Keith Moon actually had the good sense and timing to bow out early, dying of a drug overdose at the age of 32. Unfortunately, the other three decided to stick it out and The Who fans have been forced to witness a few decades of crappy reunion tours, Pete Townshend claiming he was a woman in a man's body, crappy new albums and Pete Townshend getting arrested for looking up child pornography.

9. Duran Duran
A band mostly famous for their embarrassing eighties fashion and feathered hair probably shouldn't still be desperately clinging to fame twenties years later.

But that is exactly what Duran Duran has done. You see, forgetting that people stopped using words like "new wave" and "synthesizer" 17 years ago, Duran Duran have continued to release albums into the new millennium. Here's a tip Duran Duran, if your old videos get played on VH1 "The Eighties were shit!" specials more regularly than your current videos it's probably time to hang up the guitar or go back in time to 1989 and convince your twenty-something year old self that Bon Scott was really onto something with that whole choking on your own vomit thing. Whichever is easiest.

8. Deep Purple
You know, Deep Purple: they're the creators of that bit at the start of Smoke on the Water, also known as the most overrated rock riff off all time. These guys didn't do anything terribly bad after they reached their creative peak. I'm sure their last ten albums have all been dreadful and stuff. Just the fact that they're still together thirty years after everyone stopped caring about them warrants inclusion on this list.

7. Oasis
Back in the day, these guys were actually briefly half decent. If the Gallagher brothers had died in some plane crash in 1997, Buddy Holly-style we would probably all be sitting around saying, "Think of all the great albums these guys could have made if they weren't all dead and stuff!" instead of "Look all that cack Oasis have put out over the last decade! What a bunch of untalented wankers!"

6. The Rolling Stones
The Rolling Stones really highlight what a godsend Yoko Ono was to The Beatles. If Yoko Ono hadn't forced The Beatles to split up with her own particular blend of pretentious, shrill shitness we would probably, today, be watching George Harrison prancing about on stage in age-inappropriate lycra jump suits like these prats. Well...obviously we wouldn't because George Harrison is all dead and whatnot but you know what I mean. Plus, I think we all embarrassingly remember that time Mick Jagger subversively accepted a knighthood from the Queen.

Continued tomorrow! The last five will blow your mind! And by blow your mind I mean make you feel embarrassed about your record collection!

Noel Gallagher pisses off every famous person in Britain

Apparently Noel Gallagher, lead singer of naff rock group Oasis, did an interview this week which can only mean one thing: lots and lots of foaming at the mouth pissed of celebrities.

I'm actually quite fond of Noel Gallagher, not because of his music which is a dreadful steaming load of rubbish, but because he seems to one of the few famous people left that still remembers that celebrities are supposed to be here for our entertainment. You see, while Eva Longaria is giving mind-numbingly dull interviews about how much she enjoys working with the other Desperate Housewives and while Paul McCartney is rambling on about how much he doesn't hate his hobbled spousal abuse claiming ex wife, Noel Gallagher is asking Robbie Williams to shoot himself in the head and is offering him a loaded gun to do it with!

In an interview conducted by The Sun this week, Noel Gallagher earned the emnity of pop-rival Robbie Williams by declaring, "I wouldn't shoot [Phil Collins]. I do think he's a bit of a knob though. As for Robbie, I'd put the bullet in the gun as he's eventually going to do it himself anyway as he is a grossly unhappy person." Allegedly, this feud is of the on-going Yoko Ono/Paul McCartney variety with Noel Gallagher calling Robbie Williams "the fat dancer from Take That" in 2000 and Robbie responding by calling Noel Gallagher "a mean-spirited dwarf" and challenging his brother Liam to a fist fight. Which seems just a little excessive Robbie - I'm sure rightly pointing out that Oasis hasn't produced a single second of half decent music in over a decade would have sufficed.

But Robbie Williams baiting isn't the only amusing antic Noel has gotten up to this week. In the very same interview he earned the ire of fellow inanely blabbering foot in mouth Brit Elton John by suggesting that the Benny and the Jets singer considered himself too "precious to go out and buy a pint of milk". To which Elton responded, "[Noel Gallagher's] an absolute tosser and he looks like Parker from Thunderbirds." I'm actually going to give a point to Elton John for this one. I mean, if I was a celebrity I don't think I would mingle with commoners; I hear they don't even wash themselves with Evian bottled spring water the dirty unfamous plebs.

Elton John then went on to demand Westlife sell more copies of their dreadful suicide-inducing new album so that Oasis' best of collection won't be number one come Christmas or something. And, er...point taken away Elton. Sorry.

Noel Gallagher then ranted a little bit more declaring that "Greens are fucking hippies with no place in the world" and "The troops want to go (to Iraq), all they want to do is fight! They're soldiers. They're loving it, until they get shot - then they're claiming compensation. If you're bothered about getting shot - here's a thing - don't join the army." Which probably also pissed off a whole bunch of people but likely no one famous enough for us to care.