Princess Diana to be Commemorated by Craptacular Concert

We all remember when Princess Diana died. That's because the media harped on about it like she was the Son of Christ. Seriously, such was the hysterical deification of the woman that I totally expected her to rise from the grave three days later, root Mary Magdalene and eventually become the great great great grandfather of Amelie like in that rubbish Da Vinci Code movie. Alas, Lady Di has proven to be completely mortal and has, so far, completely failed to revive from that time her chauffeur was all like, "Blimey, I've lost control of me car!" and she was all like "Ow!"

Much like JonBenet Ramsey, it's odd to think that Princess Diana was once a real life person and not just a media buzz word. And not unlike King Arthur who went from some old-skool Saxon king to some sort of wizard befriender, superhuman warrior and Great Britain's future saviour after his death, Princess Di has gone from "that woman who appears on the cover of Hello! a lot" to "the greatest single woman in the history of anything ever and probably also the most important individual in the space-time continuum". It's odd how this happens really. I'm hoping that when I die I'll be massively upgraded from "that guy who hates Bono from U2 a lot" to "that handsome genius who saved the universe from evil space pirate ninja assasins". Fingers crossed.

I guess in a way, like King Arthur, the Princess of Wales will live forever...in the minds and hearts of the British people that is. I know I'll never forget the whole Lady Di death thingy as a result of her funeral being turned into an unforgettable internationally televized Entertainment Extravaganza. You know the one, it had record TV ratings and featured Elton John performing Candle in the Wind but with a word or two changed in order to alter it from a song about a 1950's JFK bonking drug overdosing voluptuous starlet to a song about an 1990's James Hewitt bonking smooshed in a French tunnel anorexic princess. Yeah, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Considering that Candle in the Wind has sold 33 million copies, I'm betting one of you guys even owns it.

Anyway, to celebrate the tenth anniversary of, um, their mother's horrible painful death, Princes William and Harry are recreating said historic groundbreaking funeral/concert hybrid but this time, with a way better line-up, namely Duran Duran, Joss Stone, Pharrell Williams and Bryan Ferry. Okay, slightly better. Also, Princess Di's dead body probably won't be participating this time. According to the official press release: "The concert is planned for July 1, which would have been Diana's 46th birthday, at Wembley Stadium in London. Money raised from the concert will go to charities she supported."

In honour of Princess Diana's death it has been rumoured that Duran Duran will be switching the lyrics of Rio around a bit so it's less about Rio De Janeiro and more about Parisian tunnels covered in the brain matter of dead royals or something. Okay, I made that one up.

Noel Gallagher pisses off every famous person in Britain

Apparently Noel Gallagher, lead singer of naff rock group Oasis, did an interview this week which can only mean one thing: lots and lots of foaming at the mouth pissed of celebrities.

I'm actually quite fond of Noel Gallagher, not because of his music which is a dreadful steaming load of rubbish, but because he seems to one of the few famous people left that still remembers that celebrities are supposed to be here for our entertainment. You see, while Eva Longaria is giving mind-numbingly dull interviews about how much she enjoys working with the other Desperate Housewives and while Paul McCartney is rambling on about how much he doesn't hate his hobbled spousal abuse claiming ex wife, Noel Gallagher is asking Robbie Williams to shoot himself in the head and is offering him a loaded gun to do it with!

In an interview conducted by The Sun this week, Noel Gallagher earned the emnity of pop-rival Robbie Williams by declaring, "I wouldn't shoot [Phil Collins]. I do think he's a bit of a knob though. As for Robbie, I'd put the bullet in the gun as he's eventually going to do it himself anyway as he is a grossly unhappy person." Allegedly, this feud is of the on-going Yoko Ono/Paul McCartney variety with Noel Gallagher calling Robbie Williams "the fat dancer from Take That" in 2000 and Robbie responding by calling Noel Gallagher "a mean-spirited dwarf" and challenging his brother Liam to a fist fight. Which seems just a little excessive Robbie - I'm sure rightly pointing out that Oasis hasn't produced a single second of half decent music in over a decade would have sufficed.

But Robbie Williams baiting isn't the only amusing antic Noel has gotten up to this week. In the very same interview he earned the ire of fellow inanely blabbering foot in mouth Brit Elton John by suggesting that the Benny and the Jets singer considered himself too "precious to go out and buy a pint of milk". To which Elton responded, "[Noel Gallagher's] an absolute tosser and he looks like Parker from Thunderbirds." I'm actually going to give a point to Elton John for this one. I mean, if I was a celebrity I don't think I would mingle with commoners; I hear they don't even wash themselves with Evian bottled spring water the dirty unfamous plebs.

Elton John then went on to demand Westlife sell more copies of their dreadful suicide-inducing new album so that Oasis' best of collection won't be number one come Christmas or something. And, er...point taken away Elton. Sorry.

Noel Gallagher then ranted a little bit more declaring that "Greens are fucking hippies with no place in the world" and "The troops want to go (to Iraq), all they want to do is fight! They're soldiers. They're loving it, until they get shot - then they're claiming compensation. If you're bothered about getting shot - here's a thing - don't join the army." Which probably also pissed off a whole bunch of people but likely no one famous enough for us to care.

Elton John: "Religion is shit."

This week Elton John made most of the world go all "dear God, please kill that fat british man with the silly glasses, amen" by declaring that all religious followers were "hateful lemmings". Personally I have a bit of a problem with it too Elton! Namely, 'hateful lemmings' is a fairly redundant term; you'd think that lemmings being hateful would be a given considering their whole suicide as a lifestyle choice thing they have going on, but I digress.

The phrase 'hateful lemmings' comes from a recent interview Elton John had with some guy from the Scissor Sisters in which he stated "I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays...From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings, and it's not really compassionate."

Admittedly he does have a point; it's only fair that if religious people can hate on gay people all the time, then gay people should be allowed to slag off religious people back. His timing probably could have been better though considering that the number of people hung up on magical men who live in the sky and cheesy stories about people being eaten by whales and stuff appears to be at an all time high what with 98% of all people in the world following some religion or another. However, it is to Elton John's credit that making 98% of the world declare jihads and fatwas and other wacky religious malarky against him didn't stop him from saying any random thing that came into his head to the British media.

Now, you'll probably remember Elton John from around the year 2001 when everyone you knew suddenly retroactively became long-time Elton fans after seeing that Tiny Dancer singalong bus scene in Almost Famous. You might also remember him from that time that he was a hugely successful and popular musician but that was so long ago that you probably don't. But mostly these days you'll know Elton John as that one celebrity that isn't afraid to speak what's on his mind. Like those times he called the papparazi 'vile pigs', George Micheal 'miserable' and Madonna a "rubbish lip-synching trollop". And in this bland politically correct celebrity world of "Anna Nicole Smith wasn't drunk, she lost a contact lense" and Paul "I don't care that my ex-wife claims I stabbed her with shattered wine glasses" McCartney, that makes Elton John a very rare beast indeed.

So despite having so many strikes against him: that Candle in the Wind song...that Donald Duck suit he squeezed his chubby body into once...updating Candle in the Wind for annoying, dead princesses...being culturally irrelevant for several decades...I think Elton John is pretty kewl.

Keep up the good work Elton! I'm eager to hear your probably offensive to lots of people views on the Arab-Israeli conflict, abortion and Jon-benet Ramsey!