Friday, November 17, 2006

Michael Flatley stricken with mystery illness

Despite being the decade that spawned genius bands The Verve and Radiohead you've gotta admit, the nineties were pretty bloody rubbish weren't they? I spent my entire childhood and most of my adolescence in the 1990's and all I can remember about those ten long years is MC Hammer, Cargo Pants, that Spice Girls movie and Shaquille O'Neal's patented Shaq Attacks. Such was the non-event that was the nineties, when they write history books in hundreds of years they will probably read like this:

"In the eighties the Cold War finally ended when the Berlin wall came down, the liberal idealism of the sixties proved to ultimately fail as the same generation who lauded 'flower power' voted in the staunchly conservative Thatcher and Reagan governments and AIDS was discovered, developing into a worldwide pandemic. In the nineties ummm...John Cleese stopped being funny. And that's about it really."

Yes, the nineties were shit and absolutely no one symbolizes this ethos more than self-proclaimed "Lord of the Dance" Michael Flatley.

Now you'll undoubtedly remember Michael Flatley from that period in the mid nineties when the Riverdance show inexplicably became a huge international sensation and every other person in their thirties and forties suddenly became huge Irish dance fans, naiively failing to realize that they'd jumped aboard the freight train bound for "cliched fad following middle-aged pleb"-ville. Or you remember him as being that knobsack who once famously claimed that he could never go on-stage without getting a bit of a root beforehand from some lucky sheila. Classy. However, if you're my age you'll probably remember Michael Flatley as the inspiration behind such schoolyard slurs as "You're Michael Flatley gaylord of the dance" and other less creative ones as "You're shit. Just like Michael Flatley".

Anyway, Michael Flatley seems to have forgotten that the nineteen nineties actually ended six years ago because he's back in the news with reports that he is in hospital with a 'serious illness' although what said illness is remains a carefully guarded secret. Silly celebrities! When will they learn that claiming a right to privacy and refusing to reveal every little sordid detail of their medical history will only lead to people like me making up stuff to fill in the blanks! So the way I figure it:

Penchant for backstage sex + X = Mystery 'serious illness'.

I'll leave it up to you to work out what X could possibly be. Of couse, appropriately, this would also make Michael Flatley a symbol of that other great 1990's institution: sexually transmitted disease.

In other news, did you know that Michael Flatley is apparently worth 375 million pounds? How did this happen? And more importantly, why am I an advertising copy-writer instead of a weirdly homo-erotic oiled up Irish prancer? Besides the whole jewish lack of rythym thing I mean.


Hoardmeister said...

"Lord Of The Dance" only proved that most white people haven't the faintest idea how to tap dance. I mean, slapping your feet around while looking seriously a way, that does sum up the nineties, doesn't it?

Captain Great said...

That is does.

BTW I think M.C. Hammer is the other big symbol of the nineties. There's something about trying to dance while wearing cumbersome comically over-sized pants that also speaks volumes about that shitty decade.