Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Michael Jackson can't take a hint

God, it has been said, works in mysterious ways. He is so mysterious, in fact, that no one really seems to know what he looks like, where he lives or even if he actually exists probably leading religious experts to theorize that he possesses the super-power of invisibility like that blonde broad in that Fantastic Four movie. However, sometimes ol' Jehovah can be pretty damn unsubtle as seen in the number of signs he's been sending lately to Michael Jackson to get him to just fucking give up the horse and retire already.

You see, it appears that Wacko Jacko's life for the last decade or so has consisted of nothing more than a series of potentially career destroying disasters. First there was the whole alleged paedophilia thing in the early nineties followed by two weird failed marriages, the album Invincible being an abyssmal failure, the baby-dangling incident, the Martin Bashir documentary, a whole new round of child sex allegations, hundreds of millions of dollars of debts and the whole ongoing face falling apart thing. He is also reportedly besties with Elizabeth Taylor and was the best man at Liza Minelli's wedding. Yes, clearly God hates Michael Jackson.

However, divine intervention has proven to be entirely inneffectual at putting an end to the hideous unstoppable monster that is Michael Jackson's career. Despite most of the world still suspecting him of being a kiddy fiddler and despite lookily uncannily like a transvestite Vincent Price, the self-proclaimed King of Pop has jumped back on the comeback trail performing last night at the World Music Awards in London.

However God, in a bid to prove that he's not just some irrelevant non-entity, has made sure that Michael Jackson's attempt at reclaiming some of his former success was no smooth sailing with Jacko's rendition of We Are the World last night unanimously considered awful and embarrasing by those attending the ceremony. And by 'unanimously' I just mean Jarvis Cocker from Pulp called it "a load of rubbish".

Michael though, still hasn't gotten the message. In the speech he made after receiving an award for being the most successful entertainer of all time he said, "It was my dream that Thriller would be the biggest-selling album ever ... and God has answered my prayers." So now we know why in the eighties so many people starved to death in Africa, why AIDS became so widespread and why so many bad things happened to good people and stuff. Yeah, thanks for that Michael.

"He's really not getting the message," a source close to God claims he said after watching the ceremony on Youtube. "It looks like I'm going to have to put Operation Macauly Culkin into motion."

3 comments:

Hoardmeister said...

Dahling, I beg to differ. Michael Jackson does not look like a transvestite Vincent Price, unless you are thinking of Vincent Price in "Doctor Phibes." He looks like a cross between Diana Ross and a melting vanilla ice cream cone.

Hoardmeister said...

Dahling, I beg to differ. Michael Jackson does not look like a transvestite Vincent Price, unless you are thinking of Vincent Price in "Doctor Phibes." He looks like a cross between Diana Ross and a melting vanilla ice cream cone.

Captain Great said...

Alas, I'm an uncultured pleb and only know Vincent Price from Edward Scissorhands and the Batman TV show.

"He looks like a cross between Diana Ross and a melting vanilla ice cream cone."

Hee hee! Yes he does.