Monday, December 04, 2006

Everybody Hates Heather Mills-McCartney

People really seem to hate that one legged porn star Heather Mills-McCartney, don't they? Not even Mel Gibson gets as much hate as Heather and he supposedly despises an entire race of people and only values women because of the innacurate assumption that they lactate sugar from their breasts or something. People even prefer Tom Cruise and everyone knows what he gets up to, from his crusade to stop women from not killing their newborn babies to his plans to sacrifice his virginal, captive bride Katie Holmes to Lord Zenu. All poor Heather did was divorce Paul McCartney then bleat on a lot about how much he loved stabbing her elbows and stuff.

"Dig a hole and put something in it" sang Paul McCartney in 1967. "Preferably Heather Mills' fake leg so the bitch has to hobble around hilariously on her one good one," he might have added had he written the song in 2006. You see, the relationship between the Beatle that gadded around barefoot like a hobo on the cover of "Abbey Road" and the least popular Beatle spouse since the last time Yoko Ono
opened her mouth has hit a new low. Which is really saying something considering that their marital breakdown of the last twelve months has included Paul pettily changing the locks on their home, hysterical claims of spousal abuse, Stella McCartney trying to kill her mother-in-law and Paul probably also sang a Wings song or two to poor Heather. Yet despite suffering horrors no human being should ever have to endure, being subjected to an accoustic version of "Live and Let Die", the public seems to be completely against Heather Mills and firmly in favour of Paul "Ringo's nose has more charisma than I do" McCartney.

And it just keeps getting worse and worse for Heather Mills. In what has been labeled as a deliberate play to the media, she was photographed this week carrying a piece of paper with the words "I'm seeking an order for the occupation of the matrimonial house" written on it. But the move has backfired on the not-so-gay divorcee with The Sun, determined to maintain its reputation as the trashiest tabloid rag in existence, hiring a Scottish Yard handwriting expert
Ruth Myers to analyse Heather's messy scrawl. And the prognosis isn't good: “Her writing shows she is a fantasist who lives in her own manufactured world. This woman has a tendency to live in a world of deception and has lost all sense of truthfulness.”

Which all seems a bit unfair and biased to me considering that McCartney made hundreds of millions of dollars out of all his "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds/I am the Walrus/Strawberry Fields Forever" fantasist crap. And clearly Heather's "tendency to live in a world of deception" was inspired by John Lennon, who believed lying in a bed for several days would stop people doing the ol' stabby, stabby in Vietnam.

Some bint that writes for The Sun called Jenni also offers this
lovely piece of advice to Heather: "She should try to maintain as low a profile as possible because she’s fighting someone who is considered a demi-god in this country and worshipped by millions." Which surprises me because I wasn't aware that anyone in Britain even liked Paul McCartney at all. In fact, I would venture that I haven't met anyone who didn't wish that all those late sixties conspiracy theories that Paul McCartney was secretly dead weren't just a little bit true.

I decided to do a bit of in depth research into the matter. Ergo, I asked Shelley at my work what she thought of ol' Macca to which she replied, "He's shit. By the way, stop using my fucking coffee mug," which is just about the most positive thing I've ever heard anyone say about the man who once wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four", officially the twee-est song ever written until Elton John nauseatingly played "Candle in the Wind" at Princess Diana's funeral.


Johnny Strike said...

"When I'm Sixty-Four", officially the twee-est song ever written until Elton John nauseatingly played "Candle in the Wind" at Princess Diana's funeral.

Not forgetting that McCartney song about frogs. That was pretty fucking twee. And now that I think about it, "Mull of Kintyre" must surely be another rival contender. Then again: was it "twee", or just plain old shit?

The only positive opinion I have on McCartney is that if he hadn't written "Live and Let Die", then Guns n' Roses wouldn't have covered it, thereby entailing that the film Grosse Point Blank would not have featured the scene where, as Blank walks into the convenience store where his childhood house used to stand, the background music subtly shifts from the GnR version of the song to a cheesey muzak version, thereby entailing that I wouldn't have watched the aforementioned scene and said to myself: "Mmm. Nice touch."
Other than that, fuck him.

Captain Great said...

I haven't seen Grosse Point Blank. That's the one with John Cusak yeah?

Fucken Paul McCartney. He's pretty bloody shit. But I think I hate that knobsack Bono just a little bit more.

Johnny Strike said...

Yeah, GPB is the one with Cusak. It's a good film, very funny, unless you can't stand Cusak (which is an opinion I've heard from some people).

Hoardmeister said...

I myself was in love with John Cusack for many years, but then we had a one-night stand, and let's just say, the magic was gone.

As for Mr. McCartney, as he's known over here in the States, "twee" doesn't begin to describe his music. "Causes projectile vomiting" is closer to the mark

Captain Great said...

Yikes! What a coincidence! I once had a one-night stand with Joan Cusak! Or at least she said she was Joan Cusak...