Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Take That Tops Charts, Hope for Human Race Lost

As has been established by Hell Fell in the past, the 1990's were a stinky load of steaming rubbish. But now that I think about it, the embarrasingly titled "noughties" haven't really fared much better have they? I mean, the sixties had the Beatles, the seventies had Star Wars, the eighties had Michael J. Fox and even the god-awful nineties had Radiohead. What comparable genius cultural product does this decade have?

Absolutely nothing is the correct answer. You see, such is the cultural dearth that we live in, we are now relying on shit nineties boy bands for our entertainment. I am, of course, referring to nineties throwback Take That whose recent comeback album "Beautiful World" and single "Patience" are both currently holding the top spots on the UK music charts.

Now you'll probably just know Take That as those losers whose band fell apart after Robbie Williams quit but you might also have heard of them from that time Noel Gallagher called Robbie Williams "the fat dancer from Take That". They are also responsible for inspiring an entire army of bad 90's British boy bands such as East 17, Westlife, Five, Boyzone and Blue and used to repeatedly refer to themselves as "the biggest British band since the Beatles" a claim that can be completely substantiated only if you conveniently forget The Rolling Stones, Cream, Black Sabbath, The Who, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Deep Purple, Genesis, Fleetwood Mac, Status Quo, The Bee Gees, Queen, The Police, Eurythmics, Dire Straits, Def Leppard, Depeche Mode, Duran Duran, Iron Maiden and The Bay City Rollers.

To sum up: they're shit. But Take That appear to be just the tip of the 90's comeback iceberg with All Saints making a bit of a return recently and Spice Girls and Five allegedly on their way. And as horrifying as this trend is, it also highlights the disturbing fact that our entire culture has just been poached from the 1990's.

For example, anytime you turn on the TV you can guarantee that a repeat of either The Simpsons, Friends or Seinfeld will be playing at any given moment. Even the whole teen emo thing is just a better marketed version of the 90's Goth movement right down to the Barbie backpacks worn as ironic statements. In fact, the only things unqiue to the 2000's is reality TV, jokes about "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and Britney's Spears' exposed vagina and all of those things are shit.

I'll be honest, this whole thing scares the shit out of me. And it begs the question: what else will this lazy decade take from the nineties, dust off and pass off as a brand new cutting edge cultural product? Kirk Cameron? The Macarena? Kenny G?


Johnny Strike said...

I’d argue that reality TV is a 90s rather than 00s phenomenon. It may be the standard TV show format nowadays, but the 90s was when it actually rose to dominance.

Yours pedantically,

Captain Great said...

Aye, you're completely right.

Such was the mediocreness of the nineties I have probably forgotten any number of 90's reality TV shows!