"Racism" is the New "Adopting African Babies"

Celebrities aren't all that different from us are they? I mean, sure, they get paid millions and millions of pounds to speak in funny voices and okay, not many ordinary folk attend extravagant awards ceremonies that give people shiny gold trophies of a naked man for pretending to have a mental disability.

However, one way in which celebrities and non-famous plebs are virtually dissimilar is the fact that both love following short-lived, rubbish gimmicky fads. But whereas normal people fads include hula hoops, Pacman and wearing your jeans so low that everyone can see your boxers, Celebrities are spending all their free time not eating, participating in wacky religions, adopting African babies and losing all their excess pregnancy fat exactly three hours after squirting out a sprog.

But just when you were starting to tire of seeing every 20-something year old starlet carrying a distressed looking Chihuahua around in a handbag like Paris Hilton, there is a new celebrity fad out there. Unfortunately, this latest celebrity fad is shaping up to be the worst yet. In fact, it is so dreadful that it has us all longing for those days when the worst thing famous people got up to was wearing all those stupid "awareness ribbons" at awards ceremonies. What I'm talking about is racism. Yes, celebrity racism has made it's biggest comeback since that time Adolf Hitler was named one of the 50 most intriguing people by the 1930's German version of People magazine.

First of all we had Mel Gibson who decided to get twonked on Tukkelah and tell anyone who would listen that all the Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world and probably also that shitty movie Crash. Then we had TV's Kramer who decided to forgoe telling actual jokes in his comedy routine in favour of just shrieking the word 'nigger' like some sort of ironic version of Martin Luthor King. Probably Bono from U2 did some racist stuff once as well, but I don't have any sort of evidence to back that one up. And now Hollywood's latest fad can claim yet another convert: Jade Goody, the flabby reality TV bint and apparent horrible, horrible racist.

Admittedly I don't watch Celebrity Big Brother but according to the footage plastered across every news program on every channel on the telly and the self righteous opinion pieces on every second page of every newspaper, magazine and internet column Jade Goody committed the terrible, unforgivable veritable hate crime of being a bit mean to a girl who happened to be Indian and also calling her 'poppadom' once.

Okay, so Jade Goody's racism is mostly just a product of shrill media hype. But the whole Celebrity Big Brother saga really highlights how swiftly this trend is catching on. Worst of all, it appears that being a dirty rotten bigot totally pays off. I mean, despite Mel Gibson's anti-semitism and widespread condemnation last year his vanity project made in a dead language Apocalytpo managed to gross over 70 million dollars at the box office. Similarly, Kramer's racist tirade inspired record sales of the latest Seinfeld DVD box set. And regardless of whether or not Bono is actually a racist, lots of people still go to U2 concerts.

Terrifyingly, it seems that it is only a matter of time until the likes of Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan jump on the fad-train bound for Nazi Germany. This time next week, don't be surprised if Paris Hilton's catchphrase "that's hot" is officially changed to "I hate Croatians" and Steven Spielberg decides to remake "The Birth of a Nation" and "Triumph of the Will".

When the inevitable happens, I suspect I'll have to become sort of wacky recluse, cut off from all forms of media like Leonardo Dicaprio in that Aviator movie. I'd do it right now actually but I'm pathetically interested in who will win the current season of Dancing on Ice.

Kramer: "Sorry about all the racism and stuff!"

So you'll probably remember last week when '90's American TV superstar Kramer made a bit of a comeback by going all nigger this and fucking fork up your arse that in some Los Angeles comedy club.

This week he's apparently decided that it was a bit of a silly thing to do really, probably after Jamie Foxx tried to kick his arse, and has gone on a nice big media campaign to convince everyone that he's still the same old lovable scallywag who once hit a golf ball in the blow hole of a whale and invented a bra for men and other wacky primetime antics. First of all he made an appearance on David Letterman alongside Jerry Seinfeld where he was all "I aint a racist, honest guv'nor!" Then he phoned up a whole bunch of prominent members of the African American community to apologize. Then probably comically burst through their door and hilariously mooched all their food to a wild round of applause from a studio audience or something.

Kramer's face saving actions have radically backfired though, with Jesse Jackson calling a national boycott on the recently released seventh season of Seinfeld. Now I actually had a whole bunch of different jokes worked out for this one but then I did a bit of research and embarrasingly found out that Jesse Jackson is actually some sort of American civil rights leader and not a member of the Jackson 5. I don't know about you but ragging on some culturally irrelevant prat most famous for being a back-up singer to an eight year old is a whole lot more fun than ragging on someone who watched Martin Luthor King die. Gee, thanks for being such a mood killer Jesse Jackson.

To his credit though, I didn't actually know that Season 7 of Seinfeld was out yet, in fact, apparently I'm not the only one because Seinfeld DVD sales have actually dramatically risen in the last week and are estimated to be up 75% on last years Seinfeld DVD release.

But it hasn't all been pathetic attempts at redemption on rubbish American talk shows and failed DVD boycotts for Kramer. Just yesterday the disgraced star received support from a highly unlikely source: none other than Mel "sugartits" Gibson! In a recent Entertainment Weekly interview, Mel "my new movie Apocalypto is out soon" Gibson offered his condolences to Kramer. “I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don’t need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape," he said, subtly reminding everyone that at least he was drunk when he slagged off the entire Jewish race.

"Throw his ass out, he's a nigger!" says TV's Kramer

I was just thinking the other day that it's been far too long since the last big public celebrity self-destruction and co-incidentally enough comedian and former TV star Michael Richards chose this week to get filmed on a camera phone shouting "Throw his ass out! He's a nigger!" at a black man in a comedy club!

Now you'll undoubtedly remember Michael Richards from his role as the hugely popular character Kramer from hugely popular American TV show Seinfeld. You might also remember him from...well, no, that's all he's famous for. Which is a shame really. I mean Mel Gibson is so busy being Mad Max, that guy in that movie about Scottish people mooning English people, that guy who used wacky telepathic powers to get into Helen Hunt's snatch and the crazy one in Lethal Weapon that you could almost forget about that time he was a drunken anti-semitic mysoginistic twat.

So I'm sure your mind is currently boggling at the mental picture of whimsical, loveable, goofball Kramer hurling around racial slurs so deeply offensive that Jamie Foxx wants to kick his ass but that's probably because you've never seen the extremely rare footage of that mercifully cancelled Seinfeld episode where Kramer comically burst through Jerry's door with boot polish on his face while reading Mein Kampf and watching Birth of a Nation. But for those of you unlucky enough to have never seen this imaginary moment in Seinfeld history, you'll just have to make do with grainy footage on YouTube of a haggard Michael Richards shouting such racist malarky as "fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass" at a black man in the audience who dared to call out "you're not funny" during his act.

The much watched YouTube video also shows a sort of hip-hop diss-off between the slightly overrated Seinfeld character and Frank McBride, the victim of his racially charged comedic stylings. Amusingly, there is a clear winner with Michael Richard's confusing "you can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherfucker" clearly being trumped by the other guy's hilarious "You're a reject! Never had no shows, never had no movies; Seinfeld: that's it!" Openly mocking a celebrity for being a failure and a has-been? Clearly this guy should have been the one on the stage! Hey Frank McBride? I think Kevin Federline has an opening to be mocked next wednesday if you're looking for more work.

In the wake of this nightmarish incident Americans have been forced to ask themselves some serious questions like "Is Kramer a racist?", "Can we ever forgive him?" and "Did Michael Richards just watch Borat and decide to craft his own timeless, satirically racist comic creation and it all just went horribly wrong?"

Well OK, they're not really asking themselves anything as they're too busy dredging up all their "Is Mad Max a racist?" editorials, blog posts and letters to editors from several months ago and replacing all references to Mel Gibson and jews with Michael Richards and black men in order to indulge in a little more self righteous moral masturbation.

And if you haven't seen it yet, here's a link: Michael Richards fucking up his career