Christian Groups Protest Chocolatey Wang of Christ

The Easter holiday season is cluttered with so many references to rabbits and eggs and chocolate and that episode of Vicar of Dibley where Dawn French wackily dresses up in a bunny costume and some old lady dies, that it seems we’ve forgotten what Easter is really all about: the promotional campaign for Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ.

But Passion of the Christ has come, snatched about a zillion dollars from the wallets of a million gullible idiots enlightened filmgoers and gone and still we’re stuck with this mediocre holiday and all it’s weirdly homo-erotic statues of Jesus in a loin cloth bleeding from his wrists like some sort of half-naked middle class Emo teenager in the middle of a “cry for help”.

Now, most people I know decide to celebrate Easter by getting drunk on Good Friday then spending the rest of the long weekend lying in a puddle of drool, watching the special features on their Goonies DVDs and convulsing involuntarily every time an add for booze comes on the telly. Allegedly, other people celebrate Easter by eating chocolate eggs brought by diseased myxomatosis suffering animals and by going to Church to hear stories about a man getting nails rammed through his hands and feet.

But a whole bunch of people in the USA have decided to dispense with their usual Easter traditions in favour of shouting a lot at an American artist for sculpting a block of chocolate into a statue of Jesus’ holy piss rod and then displaying it in an art gallery.

Reports CNN: “A life-size sculpture of a naked Jesus made out of chocolate has angered a Roman Catholic organization and forced a Manhattan art gallery to reconsider exhibiting it during Easter week.

The sculpture "My Sweet Lord" by Cosimo Cavallaro was to be exhibited for two hours each day next week in a street-level window of the Roger Smith Lab Gallery in Midtown Manhattan."

This is an assault on Christians during Holy Week," said Kiera McCaffrey, director of communications for the league, which describes itself the largest U.S. Catholic civil rights group. "They would never dare do something similar with a chocolate statue of the prophet Mohammad naked with his genitals exposed during Ramadan."

What with all the angry catholics, the liberal use of the word ‘genitals’ and the references to ‘chocolate’ one could be forgiven for thinking the artist had crafted some sort of hideous sculpture of Jesus in the act of conceiving Amelie like in that Da Vinci Code movie, maybe with a bit of Screech endorsed Dirty Sanchez thrown in for good measure. But in reality, it’s just another statue of a mostly naked Jesus except unusually made out of chocolate and with a nice wink to the least overrated Beatle George Harrison in the title.

Yet it looks like this is set to become the biggest public furore over an exposed penis since the last time Harry Potter decided to flap his dong about like a Yoyo. The sculpture has already been taken down, the gallery’s creative director has quit in protest and Americans are running around shrieking the words “Free Speech” like it’s the latest catch phrase on My Name is Earl or something.

But let’s face facts people, 98% of everyone bothered by this are actually pissed off because the artist decided to sculpt JC out of dark chocolate instead of white. Yeah, you read that correctly. Which really raises the big question: where the hell is Mel Gibson on all this? I thought giving a voice to all those wacky, unspoken, latent bigotries in certain religious communities was Mel Gibson’s raison d'existence!

"Racism" is the New "Adopting African Babies"

Celebrities aren't all that different from us are they? I mean, sure, they get paid millions and millions of pounds to speak in funny voices and okay, not many ordinary folk attend extravagant awards ceremonies that give people shiny gold trophies of a naked man for pretending to have a mental disability.

However, one way in which celebrities and non-famous plebs are virtually dissimilar is the fact that both love following short-lived, rubbish gimmicky fads. But whereas normal people fads include hula hoops, Pacman and wearing your jeans so low that everyone can see your boxers, Celebrities are spending all their free time not eating, participating in wacky religions, adopting African babies and losing all their excess pregnancy fat exactly three hours after squirting out a sprog.

But just when you were starting to tire of seeing every 20-something year old starlet carrying a distressed looking Chihuahua around in a handbag like Paris Hilton, there is a new celebrity fad out there. Unfortunately, this latest celebrity fad is shaping up to be the worst yet. In fact, it is so dreadful that it has us all longing for those days when the worst thing famous people got up to was wearing all those stupid "awareness ribbons" at awards ceremonies. What I'm talking about is racism. Yes, celebrity racism has made it's biggest comeback since that time Adolf Hitler was named one of the 50 most intriguing people by the 1930's German version of People magazine.

First of all we had Mel Gibson who decided to get twonked on Tukkelah and tell anyone who would listen that all the Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world and probably also that shitty movie Crash. Then we had TV's Kramer who decided to forgoe telling actual jokes in his comedy routine in favour of just shrieking the word 'nigger' like some sort of ironic version of Martin Luthor King. Probably Bono from U2 did some racist stuff once as well, but I don't have any sort of evidence to back that one up. And now Hollywood's latest fad can claim yet another convert: Jade Goody, the flabby reality TV bint and apparent horrible, horrible racist.

Admittedly I don't watch Celebrity Big Brother but according to the footage plastered across every news program on every channel on the telly and the self righteous opinion pieces on every second page of every newspaper, magazine and internet column Jade Goody committed the terrible, unforgivable veritable hate crime of being a bit mean to a girl who happened to be Indian and also calling her 'poppadom' once.

Okay, so Jade Goody's racism is mostly just a product of shrill media hype. But the whole Celebrity Big Brother saga really highlights how swiftly this trend is catching on. Worst of all, it appears that being a dirty rotten bigot totally pays off. I mean, despite Mel Gibson's anti-semitism and widespread condemnation last year his vanity project made in a dead language Apocalytpo managed to gross over 70 million dollars at the box office. Similarly, Kramer's racist tirade inspired record sales of the latest Seinfeld DVD box set. And regardless of whether or not Bono is actually a racist, lots of people still go to U2 concerts.

Terrifyingly, it seems that it is only a matter of time until the likes of Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan jump on the fad-train bound for Nazi Germany. This time next week, don't be surprised if Paris Hilton's catchphrase "that's hot" is officially changed to "I hate Croatians" and Steven Spielberg decides to remake "The Birth of a Nation" and "Triumph of the Will".

When the inevitable happens, I suspect I'll have to become sort of wacky recluse, cut off from all forms of media like Leonardo Dicaprio in that Aviator movie. I'd do it right now actually but I'm pathetically interested in who will win the current season of Dancing on Ice.

2006: It sucked!

Admittedly, the amount of blog posting I've done in the month of December has been pretty goddamned unimpressive.

Alas, I've been too busy drinking entire bottles of Jack Daniels, getting whiskerburn from great aunties, sobbing myself to sleep in fits of self pity, drinking entire bottles of Absinthe, waking up in puddles of other people's vomit and other assorted malarkey that people tend to get up to when they're forced to spend time with their awful family then violently overcompensate on New Years Eve. But it's a fresh new year and all that Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/New Years nonsense is over so I can go back to posting properly! Hooray!

So 2006...it really wasn't any good was it? At the close of 2005 I remember wondering if 2006 would be the year in which the rubbishly titled noughties would finally start to get interesting. Unfortunately, 2006 has proven to be the least interesting year of all time. Don't believe me? Alright then, here's a month by month review analysing all the mind-numbing lows of 2006:

January: A Bottlenose Whale gets stuck in the Thames. It later dies. Seriously, that's all that happened in January last year.

February: American Jack Abramoff is charged with being a massive immoral, capitalist asshole. During his trial, private e-mails are released to the public in which Abramoff refers to Native Americans as "monkeys", "troglodites" and "morons." "My kids were watching Pocahontas and I thought they were watching a sequel to The Jungle Book because of all the primates!" one e-mail may or may not have said.

March: The crappiest movie of all time Crash inexplicably wins the Oscar for Best Picture. Pulitzer Prize winner author Annie Proulx hilariously refers to the film as "trash". Also Muhammad Ali dies, but probably not the one you're thinking of.

April: A man is disfigured by a Bear in China and becomes the first ever recipient of a face transplant. This event inspires a 44 year old man in Leicester to hire out the DVD Face/off but he is deeply disappointed when he discovers that said film stars John Travolta.

May: Tony Blair's labour party suffers its worst electoral defeat in just about ever. A survey conducted by The Sun reveals that 9 out of 10 Britons would rather have the Prime Minister in Little Britain leading their country than Tony Blair. "You're all a bunch of fucken idiots," Tony Blair says in response. "And by fucken idiots, I mean roguishly handsome, talented sex gods," he adds several days later when someone points out that 9 out of 10 people in the country already hate him.

June: Captain Great celebrates his birthday. Probably some other stuff happened as well but nothing nearly as important.

July: Everyones' least favourite ex-Beatle Paul McCartney files for divorce sparking an endlessly entertaining public marital breakdown involving petty lock-changes, allegations of spousal abuse, allegations of madness, photo after photo after photo of Heather Mills doing a bit of in out/in out with odd hairy men and a heavily pregnant Stella McCartney threatening to crush Heather Mills' spine with her prosthetic leg. This would later prove to be the only entertaining event in 2006's entirety. Also, Israel bombs some stuff.

August: Norwegian police announce that they have finally recovered the priceless paintings The Scream and Madonna which have been missing since 2004. However said event is grossly overshadowed by a video circulated across the net in which Britney Spears legitimately convinces Kevin Federline that Back to the Future wasn't just a movie but is, in fact, real. Mel Gibson later tries to convince Kevin Federline that the Jewish holocaust wasn't real but to less success.

September: Animal activist and annoying television personality Steve Irwin is tragically stabbed in the heart by Stingray, a character from Australian soap Neighbours. English composer Sir Malcolm Arnold, Japanese actor Tetsuro Tamba and New Zealand Cricketer Walter Arnold Hadlee also die but everyone is too busy getting all upset about the death of a man who considers himself an animal activist yet also unironically goes by the moniker of "Crocodile Hunter" to care.

October: Two schools in Las Vegas, USA are locked down after a student brings an AK47 to school. Said student is later further ostracized by his peers because schoolyard massacres are, like, so totally late nineties.

November: That whiny brunette from Dawson's Creek with the wonky mouth marries Tom Cruise resulting in the fulfillment of an ancient Scientology prophesy foretelling the miraculous virgin birth of a strangely Asian looking baby and it's Caucasian mother's marriage to an obnoxious toothy midget. Tom Cruise was also going to sacrifice Katie Holmes to Lord Zenu but he decided to wait until next year when he had a movie coming out and could use the publicity.

December: Captain Great realizes that he had less sex in 2006 than he has had in any other year since he was seventeen. Everyone in the whole world sees Britney Spears' vagina.

And that's pretty much everything that happened in 2006 with maybe one or two very minor events left out. I hope you all had a top New Years and feel free to post all your wacky New Years stories in the comments below! Here's to a less shit 2007!

Mel Gibson's Illegitimate Love Child Scandal

It must be hard being Mel Gibson. I mean, sure, he has hundreds of millions of dollars, he's frequently considered the "sexiest man alive", is more famous than you'll ever be, is in the position to make any old religious/historical vanity project he wants, has a film that's currently number one at the American box office and probably has a free ticket into Heaven for that whole Passion of the Christ thing. But the man just can't stop cocking everything up for himself can he?

I'm sure you all remember that time Mel Gibson got all liquored up on tequila, drove erratically around Malibu then told a bunch of policemen that all the fucking Jews were responsible for all the fucking wars in the world. "Especially that bitch Anne Frank," he may or may not have added. If you're a woman, I'm sure you recall this incident because you have been called "sugartits" by some unfunny prat every second day ever since it occurred. Everyone else might remember the incident because of all of Mel's embarrasing half-assed apologies, his stint in rehab, all the media condemnation and and self righteous finger pointing and the allegations that his own father thought the Jewish holocaust was all just a bit of make-believe really. Basically, in the last couple of months Mel Gibson has destroyed every last bit of goodwill he generated by making Mad Max 2, the only non-rubbish movie he's ever appeared in.

Yeah, Mel Gibson really fucked up. But for a while there, it really looked like things were going to turn out alright for the crazy one from Lethal Weapon. Just recently Kramer replaced him as the media's official beleaguered racist celebrity of choice and everyone else got a little bit tired of making jokes about "sugartits" and when back to hating on Tom Cruise and Heather Mills. But alas, the man famous for making some sort of S&M movie about Jesus Christ has majorly cocked it all up once again; it was revealed this week that Mel Gibson fathered an illegitimate child 30 years ago.

According to Marilyn, the woman Mel allegedly had a bit of a todge with 30 years ago: "I was a slim young woman in tight-fitting jeans on the side of the road when a station wagon stopped. Mel turned to look at me with those amazing blue eyes and I was mesmerised. I told him, 'If anything happens and I get pregnant I'm going to come looking for you.'" And now, hilariously, the woman, her daughter and her grandson are suing Mel for a paternity test.

Personally I'd love to be there when Mel and his illegitimate grandchild meet for the first time. I'm sure it would go something like this: "Mad Max? This is your grandson Junior. He likes finger painting, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and just won a football trophy. Junior? This is your grandfather, Braveheart. He once made a movie about using telepathic powers to get into Helen Hunt's snatch, hates all the Jews in the world and thinks women lactate sugar from their tits."

In What Women Want, Mel Gibson's character, through a series of wacky misadventures, learns to stop being such an asshole and to respect women. Unfortunately, in real life, Mel Gibson can't seem to learn the same lessons his character did in a movie about using telepathic powers to get a root.

If movies are to be believed, Mel's only hope for redemption is to suddenly get magic telepathic powers enabling him to read the minds of a) single mothers raising illegitimate children fathered by billionaire movie stars, b) all the Jews in the world and c) sugary breasted women. Clearly this will provide him with the unique perspective required to stop being an asshole and stuff. Or maybe it will just provide him some more fuel for all those crazy, cartoonishly violent, jew/english/homosexual-hating, historically innacurate vanity projects he's seems to enjoy knocking up.

Kramer: "Sorry about all the racism and stuff!"

So you'll probably remember last week when '90's American TV superstar Kramer made a bit of a comeback by going all nigger this and fucking fork up your arse that in some Los Angeles comedy club.

This week he's apparently decided that it was a bit of a silly thing to do really, probably after Jamie Foxx tried to kick his arse, and has gone on a nice big media campaign to convince everyone that he's still the same old lovable scallywag who once hit a golf ball in the blow hole of a whale and invented a bra for men and other wacky primetime antics. First of all he made an appearance on David Letterman alongside Jerry Seinfeld where he was all "I aint a racist, honest guv'nor!" Then he phoned up a whole bunch of prominent members of the African American community to apologize. Then probably comically burst through their door and hilariously mooched all their food to a wild round of applause from a studio audience or something.

Kramer's face saving actions have radically backfired though, with Jesse Jackson calling a national boycott on the recently released seventh season of Seinfeld. Now I actually had a whole bunch of different jokes worked out for this one but then I did a bit of research and embarrasingly found out that Jesse Jackson is actually some sort of American civil rights leader and not a member of the Jackson 5. I don't know about you but ragging on some culturally irrelevant prat most famous for being a back-up singer to an eight year old is a whole lot more fun than ragging on someone who watched Martin Luthor King die. Gee, thanks for being such a mood killer Jesse Jackson.

To his credit though, I didn't actually know that Season 7 of Seinfeld was out yet, in fact, apparently I'm not the only one because Seinfeld DVD sales have actually dramatically risen in the last week and are estimated to be up 75% on last years Seinfeld DVD release.

But it hasn't all been pathetic attempts at redemption on rubbish American talk shows and failed DVD boycotts for Kramer. Just yesterday the disgraced star received support from a highly unlikely source: none other than Mel "sugartits" Gibson! In a recent Entertainment Weekly interview, Mel "my new movie Apocalypto is out soon" Gibson offered his condolences to Kramer. “I feel really badly for the guy. He was obviously in a state of stress. You don’t need to be inebriated to be bent out of shape," he said, subtly reminding everyone that at least he was drunk when he slagged off the entire Jewish race.

"Throw his ass out, he's a nigger!" says TV's Kramer

I was just thinking the other day that it's been far too long since the last big public celebrity self-destruction and co-incidentally enough comedian and former TV star Michael Richards chose this week to get filmed on a camera phone shouting "Throw his ass out! He's a nigger!" at a black man in a comedy club!

Now you'll undoubtedly remember Michael Richards from his role as the hugely popular character Kramer from hugely popular American TV show Seinfeld. You might also remember him from...well, no, that's all he's famous for. Which is a shame really. I mean Mel Gibson is so busy being Mad Max, that guy in that movie about Scottish people mooning English people, that guy who used wacky telepathic powers to get into Helen Hunt's snatch and the crazy one in Lethal Weapon that you could almost forget about that time he was a drunken anti-semitic mysoginistic twat.

So I'm sure your mind is currently boggling at the mental picture of whimsical, loveable, goofball Kramer hurling around racial slurs so deeply offensive that Jamie Foxx wants to kick his ass but that's probably because you've never seen the extremely rare footage of that mercifully cancelled Seinfeld episode where Kramer comically burst through Jerry's door with boot polish on his face while reading Mein Kampf and watching Birth of a Nation. But for those of you unlucky enough to have never seen this imaginary moment in Seinfeld history, you'll just have to make do with grainy footage on YouTube of a haggard Michael Richards shouting such racist malarky as "fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass" at a black man in the audience who dared to call out "you're not funny" during his act.

The much watched YouTube video also shows a sort of hip-hop diss-off between the slightly overrated Seinfeld character and Frank McBride, the victim of his racially charged comedic stylings. Amusingly, there is a clear winner with Michael Richard's confusing "you can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherfucker" clearly being trumped by the other guy's hilarious "You're a reject! Never had no shows, never had no movies; Seinfeld: that's it!" Openly mocking a celebrity for being a failure and a has-been? Clearly this guy should have been the one on the stage! Hey Frank McBride? I think Kevin Federline has an opening to be mocked next wednesday if you're looking for more work.

In the wake of this nightmarish incident Americans have been forced to ask themselves some serious questions like "Is Kramer a racist?", "Can we ever forgive him?" and "Did Michael Richards just watch Borat and decide to craft his own timeless, satirically racist comic creation and it all just went horribly wrong?"

Well OK, they're not really asking themselves anything as they're too busy dredging up all their "Is Mad Max a racist?" editorials, blog posts and letters to editors from several months ago and replacing all references to Mel Gibson and jews with Michael Richards and black men in order to indulge in a little more self righteous moral masturbation.

And if you haven't seen it yet, here's a link: Michael Richards fucking up his career

My thoughts on Mel "Goldie Hawn's boyfriend in Bird on a Wire" Gibson

So you might remember Mel Gibson as the smug Academy Award winning director of that shit movie about scottish people mooning British people or something. Or you may remember him as that smug guy in that magical adventure about men using telepathic powers to get into Helen Hunts vagina. But most likely you know him as that guy who got drunk a couple of months ago and claimed that "all the fucking jews are responsible for all the fucking wars in the world."

This last example famously pissed off a lot of people with 96% of all people in the world deciding that he was an asshole leading them to write innumerous letters to editors and blog entries detailing exactly how they were repeatedly and violently offended by his drunken racist outbursts. Then Mel Gibson sort of dissappeared as people either stopped caring or, more likely, it became passe to hate on Mel Gibson and people returned to hating Tom Cruise.

And to all the h8ers I say bah! It is well known objective fact that the moment anything becomes popular it instantly loses its kewl indie-street cred! This is relevant because you see, I have been hating on Mel Gibson for years! I hate him for all his shit movies (The Patriot, Passion of the Christ, Payback and especially Lethal Weapon 4). I also hate him for his awful politics (google the words "Mel Gibson" and "abortion" sometime). But mostly I hate his smugness. Look at him! He's so goddamn smug all the time!

But of course all this has been taken away from me by all those newbies jumbing on the Hate Mel Gibson bandwagon! Since there is no more kewl indie-street cred in hating Mel Gibson I've taken a different tact: I now luv Mel! It's always fun to watch a celebrity self-destruct and Mel Gibson self-destructed in a spectacular (entertaining) fashion! And he gave the world a crazy new phrase in form of 'sugartits'. And because I'm a probably a jew he gave me cause for a bit of self righteous moral indignation for a couple of weeks. Hurray!

Anyway, Mel's back! In a move coincidentally co-inciding with the release of his new film Apocalypto, Mel has decided to grant an interview to some American woman I've never heard of but whom is already alright in my books for asking Mel such fabulously schlocky questions as: "Is there hate in your heart?" and "If the police officer had been black, what would you have said?"

The thing I love best about Mel is that he has inspired some fantastic news headlines. Taken from google news today (exclamation marks added by me because they make everything greater): "Jews not responsible for Wars!", "Joan Rivers: Mel Gibson must Die!" and my personal favourite: "MEL: I Could be the next goose-stepping maniac!" The mass media is bat-shit crazy.