Mel Gibson's Illegitimate Love Child Scandal

It must be hard being Mel Gibson. I mean, sure, he has hundreds of millions of dollars, he's frequently considered the "sexiest man alive", is more famous than you'll ever be, is in the position to make any old religious/historical vanity project he wants, has a film that's currently number one at the American box office and probably has a free ticket into Heaven for that whole Passion of the Christ thing. But the man just can't stop cocking everything up for himself can he?

I'm sure you all remember that time Mel Gibson got all liquored up on tequila, drove erratically around Malibu then told a bunch of policemen that all the fucking Jews were responsible for all the fucking wars in the world. "Especially that bitch Anne Frank," he may or may not have added. If you're a woman, I'm sure you recall this incident because you have been called "sugartits" by some unfunny prat every second day ever since it occurred. Everyone else might remember the incident because of all of Mel's embarrasing half-assed apologies, his stint in rehab, all the media condemnation and and self righteous finger pointing and the allegations that his own father thought the Jewish holocaust was all just a bit of make-believe really. Basically, in the last couple of months Mel Gibson has destroyed every last bit of goodwill he generated by making Mad Max 2, the only non-rubbish movie he's ever appeared in.

Yeah, Mel Gibson really fucked up. But for a while there, it really looked like things were going to turn out alright for the crazy one from Lethal Weapon. Just recently Kramer replaced him as the media's official beleaguered racist celebrity of choice and everyone else got a little bit tired of making jokes about "sugartits" and when back to hating on Tom Cruise and Heather Mills. But alas, the man famous for making some sort of S&M movie about Jesus Christ has majorly cocked it all up once again; it was revealed this week that Mel Gibson fathered an illegitimate child 30 years ago.

According to Marilyn, the woman Mel allegedly had a bit of a todge with 30 years ago: "I was a slim young woman in tight-fitting jeans on the side of the road when a station wagon stopped. Mel turned to look at me with those amazing blue eyes and I was mesmerised. I told him, 'If anything happens and I get pregnant I'm going to come looking for you.'" And now, hilariously, the woman, her daughter and her grandson are suing Mel for a paternity test.

Personally I'd love to be there when Mel and his illegitimate grandchild meet for the first time. I'm sure it would go something like this: "Mad Max? This is your grandson Junior. He likes finger painting, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and just won a football trophy. Junior? This is your grandfather, Braveheart. He once made a movie about using telepathic powers to get into Helen Hunt's snatch, hates all the Jews in the world and thinks women lactate sugar from their tits."

In What Women Want, Mel Gibson's character, through a series of wacky misadventures, learns to stop being such an asshole and to respect women. Unfortunately, in real life, Mel Gibson can't seem to learn the same lessons his character did in a movie about using telepathic powers to get a root.

If movies are to be believed, Mel's only hope for redemption is to suddenly get magic telepathic powers enabling him to read the minds of a) single mothers raising illegitimate children fathered by billionaire movie stars, b) all the Jews in the world and c) sugary breasted women. Clearly this will provide him with the unique perspective required to stop being an asshole and stuff. Or maybe it will just provide him some more fuel for all those crazy, cartoonishly violent, jew/english/homosexual-hating, historically innacurate vanity projects he's seems to enjoy knocking up.